Episode 10 of the Raising Kids With Purpose Podcast: Stop using consequences and punishments and instead learn how to collaborate with your child to reduce power struggles and increase cooperation. Listen on your favorite podcast player: You’re talking. You know you’re talking. You can hear yourself talking. But based on all available evidence, the blank stare, the slow blink, the total absence of any response, your child has absolutely no idea you’re in the room. So you get louder. You get closer. You say their name three times like you’re casting a spell. And finally, finally, they look up and say, “What?” You tell them again. They nod. Nothing happens. That’s when you pull out the big guns: “Okay, if you can’t listen, no screen time this afternoon.” This sometimes works to get them to listen…and to be honest, a lot of times it’s not enough to motivate your kid to follow instructions. Then the next day comes and you start all over again. You’ll say it again, they’ll ignore it again, you’ll threaten the screens again. It’s the same power struggle, every single day. And deep down, you know the screen threat is running out of power the more you use it. If that sounds familiar, this episode is for you. There is a tool that actually breaks that cycle. It works not by threatening or repeating yourself until you’re exhausted, but by getting your child genuinely engaged and on board. It’s all about learning how to collaborate with your child, and it is, hands down, the most powerful parenting tool I have found for ending power struggles and building real cooperation. Why Threatening Screen Time Keeps the Power Struggle Going The Real Reason the Same Fight Keeps Happening Before we get into the tool, it helps to understand why the loop keeps happening in the first place. When we use threats, whether screens, privileges, or consequences, we get short-term compliance driven by fear or the desire to avoid something unpleasant. But we haven’t actually solved anything. The underlying problem is still there, unaddressed. And the next time the same situation comes up, the same power struggle shows up with it. Read next: 5 Simple Screen Time Rules That Actually Work I talked about this in depth in Episode 9 and the companion blog post on why consequences don’t work. Neuroscience is clear that consequences don’t teach the skills kids are missing. They just suppress the behavior temporarily. What actually changes behavior long-term is solving the problem that’s causing it. That’s exactly what Collaborative Problem Solving is designed to do. What Is Collaborative Problem Solving? The approach I focus on in this episode is Collaborative & Proactive Solutions, developed by Dr. Ross Greene, the original creator of this model, first introduced in his book The Explosive Child. You can find all of his free tools and resources at Lives in the Balance. The foundation of the model is this: kids do well if they can. Challenging behavior isn’t willful defiance. It’s a sign that a child is missing the skills to handle a particular situation. When we stop trying to change the behavior and start solving the problem underneath it, everything shifts. This isn’t about being permissive or about letting your kid run the house. It’s about being strategic; it means working with your child’s brain instead of against it. As I talked about in the post on how to set boundaries with kids while giving them autonomy, connection, and structure are not opposites. You can hold a limit and hold your relationship at the same time. Plans A, B, and C: Understanding Your Options Why Most Parents Are Stuck in Plan A The model organizes how we handle recurring problems into three options: Plan A: The adult imposes a solution. This is reserved for genuine safety emergencies, not everyday battles. Most of what we think requires Plan A actually doesn’t. Plan B: The adult and child solve the problem together. This is the goal, and this is where power struggles are replaced with genuine cooperation. Plan C: An expectation is temporarily removed, on purpose, to reduce conflict or prioritize other problems. This isn’t giving up; it’s strategic. Most parents live almost entirely in Plan A without realizing it. Every time you impose a solution or issue a threat, you’re in Plan A. And Plan A is the fuel that keeps power struggles burning. The shift to Plan B is where everything changes. Plan B: 3 Steps Plan B isn’t just “talking to your kid.” It’s a structured conversation with a specific sequence, and the sequence matters. Step 1: Empathy Before you share your concern, you get curious about theirs. What’s hard about this situation for your child? What’s going on for them? You’re not trying to fix it yet; you’re just trying to understand it. This step alone is a game-changer, because most kids have never been asked. And when they’re asked and actually heard, their nervous system settles. A settled nervous system can problem-solve. A dysregulated one cannot. If you want to go deeper on the science behind this, the post on the power of the pause and stopping reactive parenting is a great companion read. Step 2: Define the Problem Now you share your concern, not as a judgment or a criticism, but as your honest perspective. “The thing is, when this happens, it creates this problem for our family.” Both perspectives are on the table. The problem belongs to both of you. Step 3: The Invitation Now you work together toward a solution. You work on a solution that is realistic and works for both of you. When kids help create the solution, they’re far more invested in following through on it, because they own it. Free printable tools to guide you through this process are available at Lives in the Balance. What Parents Experience When They Move to Collaboration From Skeptic to Believer: How to Shift Away From Power Struggles Here’s what I’ve seen happen again and again with parents who lean into this tool: A parent comes in skeptical. They’ve tried “just talking it out” before, and it went nowhere. Where they really get stuck is that they still carry a belief that consequences and punishments teach or that their child needs a consequence, but they cover that up by using “natural consequences”. The thing is, natural consequences just happen; they’re not imposed so really what happens is that they’re punishing the child but calling it something that doesn’t sound as harsh. Once they can overcome those beliefs and start using CPS, not just as a conversation, but as a way to strengthen their relationship, everything changes. The shift usually happens in Step 1. Instead of coming in with their solution, they get curious. They ask their child what’s hard. And their child, who they expected to argue or shut down, tells them something real. Something they didn’t know. Suddenly, the parent isn’t locked in power struggles with their child anymore. They’re understanding them. Research backs this up consistently. Studies on this approach find that when parents shift to collaborative problem solving, children’s challenging behavior decreases significantly, and so does parenting stress. Parents report that their kids become more flexible, better at managing emotions, and more willing to cooperate. Not because the kids became different people, but because the dynamic changed. And here’s what surprises parents most: it doesn’t just solve the problem they were focused on. It opens up the relationship. Kids start talking more. They bring things to their parents that they never used to share. The reason is that they’ve learned that this person actually listens to them. Don’t we all want to feel heard, seen and understood? This Becomes Your Go-To Tool for Less Power Struggles Over Time The Long-Term Payoff of Consistent Collaboration As I started using this tool even with my super young children, I noticed that I didn’t have to initiate it every time. Instead, they would come to me and ask, “Mom, can we figure this out together?” This is what the long game looks like. We didn’t just end power struggles, we are teaching our boys life skills. Related: 4 Easy Steps for Teaching Life Skills to Kids Here are some life skills your kids learn through collaboration: How to collaborate (duh!) How to advocate for themselves How to consider someone else’s perspective and look for solutions that work for everyone These are skills they’ll carry into friendships, school, and eventually their own families. If you’re dealing with sibling conflict specifically, this pairs really well with the strategies in how to stop siblings from fighting without getting involved and 7 reasons siblings fight constantly. Download Your Free Fighting Rules For Siblings Posters You are on your way to more PEACE in your home and hopefully less fighting that involves you! Subscribe Thank you! You have successfully joined our subscriber list. A Note on the Two “CPS” Approaches What You Should Know Before You Start Researching In this episode, I briefly mentioned that there are two evidence-based approaches that go by very similar names. Here’s the quick distinction for clarity: Collaborative & Proactive Solutions is Dr. Ross Greene’s original model, now housed at Lives in the Balance. This is what I focused on in the episode. Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS/TK) is a related but distinct approach developed at Massachusetts General Hospital through the Think:Kids program, led by Dr. Stuart Ablon. Both are evidence-based and share the same core belief that kids need skills, not just consequences, but they differ in meaningful ways in how Plan B is structured and when Plans A and C are used. If you want to read the full side-by-side comparison, Lives in the Balance put together a detailed breakdown: CPS vs. CPS: Differences and Similarities. Your Action Step This Week Think of the one power struggle that keeps happening in your house. The same one that showed up last week and the week before. Don’t try to solve it yet. Just ask yourself: “What do I think is hard about this situation for my child?” That question is the beginning of Plan B. Immediate Support for Power Struggles With Your Kids If this resonated with you and you want practical tools to put it into action right away, the Setting Boundaries with Purpose Toolkit gives you the framework and scripts to set limits that work with your child’s brain, so you can have structure and connection at the same time. And if you’re ready for personalized support and want to work through this with a coach who’s also living it with three neurodivergent boys, I’d love to connect. Book a discovery call to learn more about the Purpose Parent Transformation Program. Why Collaboration Is Everything I want to end with this: Every decision you make as a parent should be filtered through the lens of, How would I feel if I were treated this way? Would you prefer someone collaborate with you and get your input so you can work together or just be told what to do, or else? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments! You can also email me at hello@raisingkidswithpurpose.com. References & Resources Dr. Ross Greene, Collaborative & Proactive Solutions: livesinthebalance.org Free CPS Tools & Paperwork: livesinthebalance.org/cps-materials-paperwork Think:Kids, Collaborative Problem Solving: thinkkids.org CPS vs. CPS Comparison: livesinthebalance.org: Differences & Similarities Heath et al. (2020). Collaborative Problem Solving reduces children’s emotional and behavioral difficulties and parenting stress. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 76(7), 1226–1240. PubMed Pollastri et al. (2023). An open trial of Collaborative Problem Solving in a naturalistic outpatient setting. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 28(2), 512–524. PubMed The post The Best Parenting Tool for Less Power Struggles and More Cooperation appeared first on Raising Kids With Purpose.

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