The Anti-Defamation League (ADL) announced today that every organization, individual, and loosely affiliated social club on the planet has been officially classified as a hate group—except, of course, the ADL itself.

The announcement, delivered via a 47-page press release titled “Everyone’s Problematic Except Us,” cites a groundbreaking new methodology that labels any group or person expressing an opinion, owning a social media account, or existing in general as exhibiting “problematic tendencies.” The ADL’s proprietary algorithm, dubbed HateFinder 3000, flagged 7.8 billion people and counting for offenses ranging from “tweeting something vaguely snarky” to “owning too many plaid shirts.”

“We’ve streamlined the process,” said ADL spokesperson Judith Klein, adjusting her halo. “If you’re not us, you’re probably a hate group. It’s just math.”

The report singles out diverse entities such as the Audubon Society (“birdwatching perpetuates colonialist naming conventions”), the International Chess Federation (“checkmate is a violent microaggression”), and Linda from accounting (“her email signature font is suspiciously aggressive”). Even the ADL’s own interns were briefly labeled a hate group for suggesting casual Fridays, though they were later cleared after a mandatory sensitivity seminar.

Critics have pointed out that the ADL’s self-exemption raises questions about impartiality. “It’s almost like they’re saying they’re the only ones pure enough to judge everyone else,” remarked political analyst Dr. Carl Wry, who was promptly labeled a hate group for his “cynical tone.”

The ADL has promised to update its hate group database hourly, ensuring no one escapes scrutiny. “We’re working on a browser extension that will auto-flag your friends and family in real time,” Klein added. “It’s for their own good.”

When asked how the ADL plans to address the logistical challenges of monitoring 8 billion hate groups, Klein shrugged. “We’ll probably just hire more interns. They’re not a hate group yet.”

In related news, the ADL has launched a new merchandise line featuring “Not a Hate Group” lapel pins, available exclusively to ADL staff for $29.99.

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