Gaza City, October 10, 2025 — In a bold display of political purity, a coalition of Pro-Palestinian activists has issued a fervent demand that the ongoing genocide in Gaza persist indefinitely, or at least until a peace negotiator can be found who isn’t former President Donald J. Trump. The group, chanting slogans like “No peace ‘til we find someone woke enough!” and “Genocide’s fine, just not with that guy!”, gathered outside conflict zones to make their case.

Spokesperson Aaliyah Jones, draped in a keffiyeh sourced from an ethically dubious fast-fashion retailer, explained the group’s stance. “We’re absolutely committed to ending the violence,” she said, pausing to adjust her megaphone, “but only if the peace plan comes from someone with impeccable progressive credentials. Trump’s deal-making vibes are just too icky. We’d rather wait for, like, AOC or a TikTok influencer with at least 2 million followers.”

The protesters, many of whom arrived in electric Ubers to minimize their carbon footprint, waved signs reading “Ceasefire Later, Principles Now!” and “Genocide Bad, But Trump Worse!” They argue that allowing Trump to broker peace would set a dangerous precedent for “problematic” leaders to resolve global conflicts. “Sure, thousands are dying,” said activist Brayden Smith, a gender studies major from Brooklyn, “but if Trump gets credit, it’s like the patriarchy wins again. We can’t have that.”

Local residents, dodging airstrikes to comment, expressed mild confusion. “I just want the bombs to stop,” said Mahmoud, a shopkeeper whose store was reduced to rubble last week. “I don’t care who signs the paper. Trump, Biden, a random Swedish diplomat—honestly, I’d take a sentient AI at this point.” Mahmoud’s plea was swiftly dismissed by protesters as “insufficiently nuanced.”

The group’s demands include a peace process led by a coalition of “intersectionally approved” mediators, preferably with no ties to American politics, capitalism, or anyone who’s ever tweeted something cancellable. Suggestions include Greta Thunberg, a yet-to-be-elected UN secretary-general from a neutral country, or “maybe that guy who runs the vegan bakery in Portland,” according to Jones.

Critics have pointed out that prolonging the conflict might exacerbate the humanitarian crisis, with over 40,000 reported deaths and millions displaced. The activists countered with a prepared statement, read aloud in unison: “We acknowledge the suffering, but we cannot compromise on our values. A Trump-led peace deal would be, like, super cringe and ideologically impure.”

Meanwhile, Trump, reached for comment at his Mar-a-Lago golf course, shrugged off the controversy. “I could end it in 24 hours, believe me. Best peace deal, tremendous, nobody does peace like me. But if they want to wait for Bernie Sanders or whoever, that’s their funeral. Sad!”

As the conflict grinds on, the protesters remain steadfast, vowing to keep the pressure on until a suitably progressive savior emerges. “We’re in this for the long haul,” Jones declared, sipping a $7 oat milk latte. “Justice can wait a little longer.”

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