In a bold leap toward self-sufficiency, local man Greg Thompson, 38, has unveiled his latest venture: crafting budget-tier Chinese trinkets at ten times the cost using a $900 3D printer. The self-proclaimed “maker enthusiast” insists his garage-based operation is revolutionizing consumerism, one overpriced plastic widget at a time.

“I saw a pack of 50 plastic phone stands on AliExpress for $3, and I thought, ‘I could make those for $30 each,'” Thompson said, gesturing proudly at a lopsided, filament-streaked phone holder that took 14 hours to print. “It’s about quality, not quantity. Plus, I’m supporting the local economy—my electric bill’s through the roof.”

Thompson’s setup, a gleaming Prusa i3 MK4, hums day and night, churning out knockoff keychains, fidget spinners, and bottle openers at a glacial pace. Each item, he claims, embodies the “handcrafted charm” of objects that could be purchased for pennies online. A single keychain, retailing at $12.99 on his Etsy store, requires $2 in filament, 45 minutes of post-processing to remove jagged edges, and an undisclosed amount of existential regret.

“Big Retail doesn’t want you to know you can make this stuff yourself,” Thompson whispered, eyeing a $1.50 plastic comb he spent $15 in materials and three hours to produce. “This is the future of manufacturing.” Sources confirm Thompson has yet to break even, having sold two combs to his mother and a warped coathanger to a neighbor out of pity.

Local economist Dr. Sarah Lin called Thompson’s venture “a masterclass in fiscal masochism.” She noted that his printer, filament, and electricity costs mean each “artisanal” item carries a 1,000% markup over its mass-produced counterpart. “He’s basically paying to cosplay as a sweatshop,” Lin said. “It’s performance art, not entrepreneurship.”

Undeterred, Thompson plans to expand his catalog to include $40 knockoff AirPod cases and $25 cable organizers, all of which can be found on Temu for under a dollar. “It’s not about the money,” he said, wiping filament residue from his hands. “It’s about the journey. Also, I’m almost done paying off the credit card I used for the printer.”

As Thompson’s printer whirs on, producing a $17 bottle opener that snaps on first use, the community watches with a mix of awe and secondhand embarrassment. “He’s living the American Dream,” said neighbor Carl Ruiz, tossing a $0.99 bottle opener from Wish into his cart. “Just, you know, the really expensive version of it.”

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