Tucker Carlson, the edgelord podcaster and former Swiss boarding school student, made headlines this week for several reasons. He risked his life by agreeing to interview "chemtrail" expert Dane Wigington, one of the only men on Earth with the knowledge and fortitude to expose the global plot to manipulate weather patterns with airplane-guided geoengineering. He followed that up by valiantly defying the outdated conventional wisdom surrounding Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German Lutheran pastor jailed for speaking out against the Nazi regime and executed for allegedly plotting to assassinate Adolf Hitler. Carlson shrewdly denounced Bonhoeffer as a "great man in some ways" who was nevertheless a bad Christian for trying to kill a fellow Christian who was just trying to solve a problem and defend his country from the Jewish-backed imperial aggression of Winston Churchill.

Carlson also appeared on a live episode of Megyn Kelly's podcast this week and detailed his encounter with a demonic entity that attacked him in his sleep and left bloody "claw marks" on his ribs. Carlson described being confused and unable to breathe before he was overcome by a "crazy intense desire to read the Bible." It was only after waking up the next morning and finding blood in his sheets that Carlson realized he had been nonconsensually assaulted by a "supernatural being." We wanted to find out more, and reached out to Carlson, who repeatedly urged us to self-fornicate "in a pile of dirty Jew money." So we sent a coded message to Biff Diddle, the Washington Free Beacon's trusty ombudsman. He also told us to go f— ourselves, but eventually connected us with a "mostly human" source who could establish a "somewhat reliable and ethically dubious" back channel to the Shadow Realm. That's how we managed to track down Tucker's demon. What follows is a transcript of our exclusive interview, which has been lightly edited (for length and clarity) and translated into three-dimensional English. Enjoy!

Thanks for speaking with us. I'd like to start with the question on everyone's mind. Are you Jewish?

Sure thing. Thanks for reaching out. Like everything about me, I suppose, the answer's complicated. Yes, I'm Jewish, but not by birth. My father was a Jew. He helped finance the Eighth Crusade, which didn't pan out. He kept his head down, dabbled in the Dark Arts. The usual. My mother was a witch, but not the kind you idiots put out for Halloween. A sturdy Slavic broad, my mother. Feral as a barn rat. Hands like a dock slave. Didn't much care for religion. Anyway, I converted to Judaism because it was my only shot at banging this girl I'd been chasing. Why not, you know? Turns out she wasn't even Jewish. More like some kind of Waldgeister [a German forest spirit] capable of taking human form. Long story short, I got trapped in the Shadow Realm and became what you might call a demon, though I prefer "entity of demonic possession."

That's interesting. So why did you attack Tucker Carlson? On second thought, let's back up a little. Did you attack him? Give me your side of the story. I'm not an expert, obviously, but it seems like there are certain questions in our society today that we're not allowed to ask. So, for example, Tucker's account of this attack—alleged attack—is one of those things we've been told, right? But then you start doing some basic research or you point out, you know, there's all these facts that don't add up, and that's when certain people—I don't want to name names—come out and accuse you of loving Hitler, or whatever. That's just an example. I mean, love is a strong word. There are all sorts of romantic, even Biblical connotations. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Right? Hitler was a Christian; we know that. He was baptized Roman Catholic, never left the Church. But we're supposed to hate him. Why would I hate Hitler? He's a human being and—no offense, right? Like, who am I to say that you should feel this way about other demons—excuse me, entities of demonic possession—or other Jews for that matter. I'm a Christian. Some of my best friends are Jews. But in terms of what I believe, and what the Bible teaches us, I think the answer is clear. Do I love Hitler? I never met the guy. I think he was a talented politician who loved his country and cared deeply about his people. I'm not obsessed with him. All these bozos like Ted Cruz go on and on, "you're obsessed, you're obsessed." Excuse me, I'm not the one who's obsessed. HA! HA! HA! Obsessed! Are you kidding me? How dare you! HA! HA! HA!

Right. So, to answer your original question, this was a giant misunderstanding. I'm an agent by profession, OK? I happen to represent a number of marquee clients whose talents include cross-dimensional navigation. As you can imagine, this presents a challenge when it comes to arranging interviews. That's all this was. A client of mine, Bigfoot—I probably shouldn't say his name—just cut that part out. Anyway, he was eager to spread the word about an Iranian mining operation encroaching on—I don't really know how to explain this—one of the portals he uses to enter your world, the physical realm, whatever. Tucker has a big audience, and he likes the weird stuff. I thought we could arrange an exclusive.

From what I can gather, things didn't go as planned.

Yeah, you could say that. He seemed interested at first. He asked a lot of questions. How did my client know Iran was to blame, and not Mossad? Were the Jews trying to censor him? Did the existence of these portals prove the Earth wasn't round? Did he have an alibi for 9/11? Was he Jewish? Was I Jewish? Could I put him in touch with Hasan Piker? Would Bigfoot—sorry, my client—be willing to denounce Bibi Netanyahu for war crimes, or take part in a "beefcake honeytrap" op targeting Gal Gadot? Did he also have a micropenis, like Hitler? It got weird. We landed on "maybe," but I knew what that meant.

So you never attacked him? 

Look, I'm a f—ing demon. Tucker wanted a hug. I've never hugged anyone before in my life. He freaked out and bled a little. I told him to stop being such a whiny bitch. Truth is, he was bleeding when I got there. I assumed he was on his period. Anyway, things got heated. I told him that I'd lied before when I said I wasn't Jewish. I was just trying to close the deal. He said, "I knew it," and ran off to the panic room without grabbing his wife. The door was soundproof, but I could feel his sobs, you know? Shook the entire house. I felt bad, so I took a dump in his tub and went home.

Wow. Thank you for telling the truth. It was wonderful to finally meet you.

Bye.