LANSING, MI – In a bold move to protect public safety and promote interfaith harmony, Governor Gretchen Whitmer signed an executive order Tuesday banning “assault bacon” statewide, effective immediately. The decree comes just days after a weekend march in Dearborn turned chaotic when a group of Muslim demonstrators allegedly attacked Christian counter-protesters armed with what authorities are calling “high-capacity pork products.”

Eyewitnesses report the violence erupted when members of a local Christian bacon-appreciation society showed up to the annual “Dearborn Diversity Stroll” waving strips of thick-cut, applewood-smoked bacon on sticks—described by one state trooper as “fully semi-automatic breakfast meat with shoulder things that go up.” When confronted by marchers chanting cheerful Islamic greetings, several Christians reportedly began “brandishing” their bacon in a threatening manner, leading to shouts, shoves, and at least one documented case of someone being chased with a rasher.

“No one needs ten strips of bacon,” Governor Whitmer declared at the signing ceremony, flanked by representatives from the Michigan Chapter of the Council on American-Islamic Relations and a visibly emotional vegan lobbyist. “These are weapons of mass deliciousness designed solely to intimidate peaceful worshippers. From now on, Michiganders will be limited to three strips per magazine—er, plate—and all bacon must have a waiting period of at least five business days.”

The order defines “assault bacon” as any pork product with a crispy exterior capable of achieving “tactical crunch,” including but not limited to center-cut strips, Canadian bacon with a pistol grip, and especially menacing turkey bacon (“because it’s trying too hard”). Pre-cooked microwave bacon has been grandfathered in, provided owners register it with the state and submit to annual smell checks.

Dearborn police have already begun buyback programs, offering $25 Meijer gift cards for each surrendered strip. One teary-eyed retiree turned in what he called his “heirloom skillet” but was informed it was not covered under the ban—yet.

Critics immediately accused the governor of pandering. “First they came for our guns, then our gas stoves, and now this,” said state representative Buck McVenison (R–Somewhere With a Lot of Pigs). “What’s next—mandatory halal hot dogs at Tigers games?”

The Whitmer administration dismissed the backlash as “extremism fried in its own grease,” insisting the ban is simply common-sense breakfast control. A spokesperson added that future phases may include restrictions on high-capacity syrup dispensers and armor-piercing butter pats.

As of press time, the governor’s office is reportedly reviewing whether scrambled eggs constitute “ghost griddles” and should be regulated accordingly.

Michigan: Come for the lakes, stay because your bacon is in evidence lockup.

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