As if demolishing the White House’s entire East Wing for a gaudy ballroom wasn’t bad enough, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue’s renovation plans aren’t ending there: President Trump just added a solid gold sybian to the White House Goon Cave.

Seriously? A 24k gold masturbation saddle? God, President Trump truly has the worst taste in interior decorating. 

According to inside sources, Trump commissioned a $15 million, custom-made gold sybian for the White House Goon Cave, the basement-level room designed to accommodate Commander-In-Chiefs’ gooning activities. On top of the gold sybian being a pricey, wasteful expenditure, it aesthetically clashes with the rest of the Goon Cave’s features, which include six computer monitors, a twin-sized mattress on the floor, and empty bottles of lube scattered everywhere. What’s worse is that in order to make space for the gold sybian, he had a motorized, cyber-punk-themed dildo bench removed from the room and placed in storage, just because it was installed by President Obama. Tacky and petty? Yup, sounds like Trump alright!

This will come as a shock to no one, but it turns out the company Trump commissioned to design and manufacture the gold sybian is Penetration Technologies Inc., a corporation that donated over $50 million to his 2024 presidential campaign, and whose CEO has reportedly wankbattled with Trump during numerous marathon gooning sessions. Sadly, under Trump, no part of our government is off limits from the influence of corporate interests and the uber-wealthy, not even the historic White House Goon Cave—the very room where FDR himself once edged to a Betty Boop comic strip until he had to be hospitalized for dehydration. Don’t be surprised when MyPillow scores a giant contract to tailor a lotus silk hentai body pillow for Mr. Trump’s gooning pleasure.

How can anyone support Trump buying a gold sybian on taxpayers’ dime?! It’s so embarrassing to be an American right now. 

It’s so heartbreaking to think about what the White House Goon Cave will look like by the time Trump’s done renovating it. Let’s hope whoever our next President is restores the Goon Cave to its former glory, because Trump’s garish redecorating is simply not it.