In a heartbreaking turn of events that has stunned parents and child hunger advocates alike, a group of local elementary school children announced today that they are “literally starving to death” just two minutes after leaving a party featuring an extravagant spread of untouched pizza, cake, and snacks.

The crisis erupted at approximately 7:47 p.m., when 8-year-old Timmy Hargrove climbed into his mother’s minivan and immediately wailed, “Mom, I’m starving! We need food right now or I’ll faint!” This declaration came despite the fact that Timmy and his peers had spent the entire party declining every offered item from the lavish buffet.

Witnesses report that the party, hosted at the Whitaker home, boasted 45 large cheese and pepperoni pizzas, a massive cookie cake, endless bowls of chips, and a cooler brimming with juice boxes—none of which were consumed by the guests in question.

“I kept offering slices,” said Madison’s mother, visibly exasperated. “They all said no. One kid claimed pizza ‘looked gross today.’ Another said he was ‘saving room for dinner.’ Now they’re starving? In the car? After zero bites?”

Other children echoed the sentiment. Seven-year-old Sophie Ramirez informed her father that her stomach was “completely empty and rumbling like crazy,” despite having politely refused cake, pizza, chips, and even the decorative candy bowl, opting instead to run around the backyard for two hours.

Nutrition experts have dubbed the phenomenon “Picky Eater Black Hole Syndrome,” where children’s appetites mysteriously vanish in the presence of available food only to reemerge with apocalyptic urgency the moment there is no food.

“It’s classic,” explained child psychologist Dr. Elena Vargas, suppressing a sigh. “They don’t eat at the party because it’s not chicken nuggets or mac and cheese. Then, the second they’re in transit, biology kicks in and suddenly it’s a five-alarm hunger emergency. A similar behavior is when children only are hungry in places where they can make the most difficult-to-clean messes like in the car.”

Local drive-thru restaurants reported an immediate surge in business as panicked parents swung through for emergency nuggets and fries to save their “starving” offspring. Meanwhile, the untouched party food remains in Madison’s kitchen, quietly judging everyone involved.

In a statement, the children defended their position: “Party food doesn’t count as real food. We’re actually starving for dinner now.” Parents were unavailable for comment, as most were too busy negotiating peace treaties over fast-food orders.

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