In a stunning announcement from the North Pole today, Santa Claus revealed that he has lost an estimated 400 pounds over the past year thanks to the blockbuster weight-loss drug Ozempic, enabling him to target a record 50% increase in chimney descents on Christmas Eve.

Speaking to reporters via a Zoom call (due to ongoing concerns about fitting through smaller screens), the newly svelte Kris Kringle appeared almost unrecognizable in a tailored red velvet suit that no longer required structural reinforcements.

“For centuries, I’ve been proudly plus-sized—it’s part of the brand,” Santa said, patting a midsection that now features visible abdominal definition. “But let’s be honest: sliding down modern chimneys built for energy efficiency has become… challenging. Some of those flues are basically suggesting I use the front door like a common Amazon driver.”

Sources close to the operation say Santa began the regimen after a particularly embarrassing incident last year, when he became temporarily lodged in a Brooklyn brownstone’s eco-friendly narrow chimney, requiring extraction by the FDNY and a viral TikTok video that garnered 47 million views under the hashtag #FreeSanta.

Mrs. Claus, reached for comment while baking a considerably smaller batch of cookies, expressed cautious optimism. “He’s got so much energy now. He even jogs around the workshop. But I do miss the old lap—there was more room for sitting.”

The ambitious goal of reaching 50% more households has sparked logistical concerns among the elf workforce. Head Elf Bernard noted that while Santa’s reduced girth will indeed allow access to previously inaccessible urban apartments and net-zero homes, the sleigh may now require additional ballast to prevent takeoff issues in high winds.

Reindeer union representatives have already filed grievances, claiming the lighter load will force longer routes and eliminate traditional snack breaks. “Dasher’s on a solidarity hunger strike,” one spokesperson reindeer brayed.

Health experts have praised the move as a positive message for holiday figures struggling with portion control, though some critics argue it perpetuates unrealistic body standards for seasonal icons. The Easter Bunny reportedly declined comment, citing ongoing consultations with his physician about “similar options.”

When asked if he worries about side effects, Santa laughed heartily—a laugh notably less thunderous than in previous years. “The only thing I’m nauseous about is leaving any child behind. Besides, the cookies still taste great going down. Coming back up? That’s another story.”

As Christmas approaches, children worldwide are advised to leave slightly fewer treats by the fireplace. “One cookie and a carrot will do just fine,” Santa recommended. “I’m pacing myself.”

Wall Street analysts have upgraded shares of Novo Nordisk, Ozempic’s manufacturer, citing “strong seasonal demand from high-profile North American clients.”

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