If you thought toilet technology had plateaued, think again, because one company has just reinvented the restroom experience as we know it: American Standard toilets will now come with a third flush button option for flushing yourself down the toilet.  

What a massive leap forward in toilet design! We are truly living in the future.

This morning, American Standard rolled out their brand new Threefold Flush toilet design, which offers three distinct flush button options, including Partial, Full, and now, Whole-Body, a setting that applies 500% more water and pressure-assisted suction power to let a bathroom user flush their entire body down the toilet. Until now, toilet designs have never accommodated human bodies, so if you wanted to flush yourself for any reason—like retrieving a bowel movement or object you didn’t mean to flush, hiding from people, self-harm, or simply curiosity about what it’s like to be flushed down a toilet—you were out of luck. Those days are history, thanks to the innovative geniuses at American Standard, who have made disappearing yourself down the toilet as simple as pressing the largest of three flush buttons.

The Threefold Flush was unveiled during a keynote address at the American Standard Worldwide Toilet Conference 2025 by CEO Steven Delarge, who touted the ability to flush yourself down the toilet as a “game-changer that will disrupt the entire toilet industry as we know it.”

“Ever since toilets were invented, humans have watched their excrement swirl down a toilet pipe and dreamed of following it…dream no more, my friends, because on an American Standard toilet, you can flush you too,” exclaimed Delarge through tears of pride as he stepped into a toilet with both feet and pressed the Whole Body flush button during a production demonstration of his company’s Threefold Flush technology. As the toilet flushed, Delarge began spinning in circles and lowering into the toilet until he was sucked down the waste pipe completely, while the conference crowd stood on their feet and applauded.

Wow…toilets are never going to be the same. 

Well, it just doesn’t get cooler than realizing we’ve entered a new technological epoch, does it? There was life before humans could flush themselves down a toilet, and now there’s life after it. American Standard has dropped an innovation breakthrough on par with the iPhone and the printing press, and we are so here for it. What an amazing time to be alive!