COPENHAGEN / MAR-A-LAGO – In what political scientists are already calling “the most efficient diplomatic judo move of the 21st century,” President Donald J. Trump announced today that he now identifies as a “low-income, undocumented Third-World migrant rapist,” effective immediately.

The surprise gender, nationality, and felony-status reveal came during a 47-minute livestream from aboard Air Force One, where the Trump was eating what he described as “the best overpriced club sandwich in human history, folks, believe me.”

“Look, Europe loves giving free stuff to people who fit a very specific profile,” Trump explained, gesturing with a french fry. “They open the borders, they hand out apartments, they give free healthcare, they say ‘welcome’ in seventeen languages. So I figured—why negotiate when I can just become the thing they can’t say no to?”

Under the new self-identification, which Trump claims is protected under both U.S. Title VII case law and “whatever weird EU directive they passed last Tuesday,” the former president says he is now entitled to “asylum, reparations, and one medium-sized Nordic country of my choosing.”

Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, who had previously dismissed Trump’s renewed interest in purchasing Greenland as “not serious,” issued a terse three-word response when asked for comment: “We are consulting.”

Multiple anonymous EU officials speaking on background described the situation as “catastrophic” and “legally paralyzing.”

“If we reject his claim, we’re literally discriminating against a self-identified marginalized migrant,” one Brussels-based functionary whispered into a voice recorder while crying. “But if we accept it… we have to give him Greenland. There is no third option. The paperwork is very clear.”

Legal scholars on both sides of the Atlantic remain divided. Harvard’s Laurence Tribe called the maneuver “a grotesque perversion of human rights law that will almost certainly succeed.” Meanwhile, Yale’s Akhil Amar described it as “the most brilliant exploitation of category error since someone convinced the Supreme Court that corporations are people.”

In related news, Trump has already begun filling out the relevant Danish asylum forms in Comic Sans, listing his country of origin as “the dangerous streets of New York City before I fixed them,” and attaching several dozen photos of himself shirtless on a golf cart as proof of “vulnerability to persecution by woke elites.”

When reached for comment, Greenland’s outgoing prime minister simply sighed, “We have 56,000 people and 836,330 square miles of ice. He’s going to need a very big coat.”

At press time, Trump was reportedly practicing his new accent—“a mix of Swedish, Arabic, and Queens”—and shopping for a traditional migrant dinghy large enough to accommodate his motorcade. Sources close to the transition team say the vessel will be named “USS Sorry Not Sorry.”

More to come as the situation develops—or, more accurately, as Europe continues to discover that it has no off switch.

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