ST. PAUL, Minn. — In what aides are calling the most Minnesotan solution to an increasingly un-Minnesotan problem, Governor Tim Walz today announced the creation of MICE — Minnesota Immigration and Customs Enforcement — a new state agency tasked exclusively with deporting Americans who aren’t originally from Minnesota.

“Look, we’ve tried polite requests, we’ve tried passive-aggressive notes on windshields, we’ve even tried offering free hotdish to go,” Walz said at a press conference held inside a nearly empty hockey rink, the only venue large enough to contain the irony. “But these folks from Illinois, California, Texas — they’re still here, clogging up our left lanes, mispronouncing ‘Minnehaha,’ and asking why we don’t have In-N-Out. It’s time we had our own enforcement arm.”

Unlike the federal ICE, which Walz has spent months publicly urging to leave the state alone, MICE will be staffed entirely by lifelong Minnesotans: retired school bus drivers, former lutefisk festival volunteers, and that one neighbor who always knows whose dog got loose. Agents will wear navy blue Carhartt jackets embroidered with a discreet loon holding a deportation order and will be equipped with snow shovels (for dramatic effect), thermoses of coffee, and laminated cards explaining why “you guys” is not an acceptable substitute for “you betcha.”

Under the MICE charter, any U.S. citizen whose birth certificate does not list a Minnesota county will be subject to immediate removal proceedings. Expedited deportation categories include:

• Anyone who moved here after 2010 and still complains about February.
• Drivers who use their turn signals more than 60% of the time (suspiciously non-native behavior).
• People who refer to “the Cities” as anything other than “the Cities.”
• Individuals caught ordering a salad at a potluck.

Foreign nationals — especially those who have learned to nod appreciatively at the mention of tater tot hotdish and who never question the logic of ice fishing — will receive permanent protected status and a complimentary “Real Minnesotan” sticker for their vehicle.

Walz defended the creation of a state-level deportation force by pointing to federal inaction on what he called “the real invasion.”

“Washington keeps sending us people who aren’t from here to enforce laws we didn’t write,” he said, gesturing vaguely toward the horizon where Wisconsin presumably begins. “So we’re handling it ourselves. MICE isn’t about cruelty — it’s about community standards. If you’re going to live in Minnesota, you need to understand that ‘sorry’ is a full sentence and that complaining about the weather is a privilege reserved for natives.”

Early MICE operations are already underway in pilot areas. Reports indicate that agents have successfully removed several dozen Wisconsinites from the Twin Cities metro after they were observed tailgating without sufficient layers and referring to cheese curds as “those squeaky things.” Deportees are issued one-way Greyhound tickets to the state line, a care package containing a single can of Surly Furious, and a handwritten note reading, “Ope, sorry about this. Take care now.”

Legal scholars have raised questions about whether a governor can unilaterally create a deportation agency targeting American citizens, but Walz waved off the concern with characteristic restraint.

“We’ll figure out the paperwork later,” he said. “Right now the priority is getting these carpetbaggers back across the river before they start demanding bike lanes with actual paint.”

The governor concluded by unveiling the MICE motto, printed on a banner behind him: “Minnesota Nice — But Not for Everyone.”

MICE recruitment is open to any resident born in-state who can pass a three-question quiz on proper casserole-to-Jell-O salad ratios. Applications are being accepted at the nearest VFW hall.

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