In a stunning development that has left foreign policy analysts reaching for their atlases, President Donald J. Trump announced today that Marco Rubio, the current Secretary of State, has been appointed Supreme Leader of Iran following what the White House described as a “swift and very successful regime refresh.”

The move comes after U.S. forces reportedly “took out the previous setup” in Tehran, creating what administration officials called a “leadership vacuum too good to waste.” Rubio, already juggling multiple portfolios in the Trump administration, was tapped for the role to ensure continuity in U.S.-Iran relations.

“Marco is the best,” Trump posted on social media. “He knows Iran better than anyone—because he’s now in charge of it. Tremendous guy. Very tough on hostages, which is perfect because there won’t be any more. Believe me.”

Rubio, speaking from what sources say is a temporary office in the former Supreme Leader’s residence, outlined his immediate priorities: releasing all detained Americans “immediately or else,” designating certain IRGC factions as redundant, and renaming the Strait of Hormuz the “Rubio Channel” for better branding.

Critics have questioned the optics of installing an American cabinet secretary as Iran’s theocratic head of state. “It’s like appointing the CEO of Coca-Cola to run Pepsi,” one anonymous diplomat remarked. Supporters counter that Rubio’s Cuban-American background makes him uniquely qualified to handle “regime change with a personal touch.”

The Nobel Committee, still recovering from last year’s events, has been notified of the appointment. Insiders say Rubio’s dual role could qualify for consideration under the category of “extraordinary multitasking in pursuit of peace.”

Rubio’s first edict as Supreme Leader: mandatory English lessons for all clerics, starting with “You’re fired” in Farsi.

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