Tehran, Iran — In a stunning development, anonymous sources close to the Assembly of Experts have confirmed that Iran has elected former U.S. President Barack Obama as the new Supreme Leader.

Sources say the decision, reached after days of intense closed-door deliberations following the recent vacancy in the position, reportedly came down to a final vote tally of 88–0, with the one abstention attributed to a clerical error involving a delegate who had accidentally muted his Zoom connection.

“Barack Hussein Obama possesses all the qualities the Islamic Republic requires in its highest authority,” explained one high-ranking source speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak, and also because he feared being audited by the IRS. “First of all, he is Muslim and he has experience leading a great power, delivering soaring speeches about hope and change, and—most crucially—demonstrating an impressive track record of sending large sums of American money to Iran without asking too many awkward follow-up questions.”

Insiders say the selection process began conventionally enough, with names like Mojtaba Khamenei, various Larijanis, and even a brief dark-horse push for Hassan Khomeini. But momentum shifted dramatically when one Assembly member reportedly remarked, “Why settle for a local cleric when we can import someone who already knows how to negotiate with himself?”

Obama’s qualifications were said to include:

• A proven ability to maintain plausible deniability during controversial foreign-policy decisions
• Familiarity with the phrase “Death to America” from years of hearing it chanted at rallies (though he always assumed it was metaphorical)
• The 2009–2016 correspondence record with the late Ayatollah Khamenei, which sources describe as “the longest pen-pal relationship since the invention of email”

Upon learning of his selection, Obama is said to have responded with characteristic poise: “Let me be clear: this is not the change I was hoping for, but I remain committed to bridging divides—even if that divide is now the one between me and a functioning retirement plan.”

The new Supreme Leader’s first fatwa is expected to focus on drone policy reform, mandatory community-organizing sessions in Qom seminaries, and a national holiday celebrating “Yes We Can… Probably Not Invade Anyone This Time.”

Tehran officials have already begun preparations for Obama’s arrival, including the installation of a teleprompter in the Hosseiniyeh and a special no-drone zone over his future residence to prevent any awkward misunderstandings with former colleagues.

When reached for comment, the White House issued a brief statement: “The United States does not comment on personnel matters involving other countries’ theocratic transitions at this time.”

Meanwhile, social media in Iran exploded with memes of Obama wearing a black turban over his signature aviators, captioned simply: “Hope. Change. Takbir.”

The transition of power is expected to be complete once Obama masters the art of frowning disapprovingly at satellite photos while quoting Rumi. Until then, the Islamic Republic will continue operating under the interim slogan: “Inshallah, but make it audacious.”

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