US—In a stunning display of collective wheezing, thousands of self-described “depressed, obese, suicidal asthmatics” gathered outside the Capitol yesterday to demand that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. cease his relentless campaign to “make America healthy again.” The protest, organized under the hashtag #LeaveUsToOurInhalers, saw participants clutching fast-food bags, vape pens, and emotional support pillows while chanting, “Our bodies, our choice!”

The movement, sparked by RFK Jr.’s recent push for clean eating, mandatory exercise, and “dangerously optimistic” mental health initiatives, has struck a nerve with a demographic that insists their lifestyle is under attack. Protest leader Karen Muffin, a 38-year-old self-proclaimed “professional couch advocate,” addressed the crowd through labored breaths. “RFK wants us to hike and eat kale? That’s ableist! Not all of us can afford to not be miserable!” she said, pausing to adjust her oxygen mask.

Demonstrators waved signs reading “My Lungs, My Rules” and “Stop Shaming Our Sedentary Sadness,” accusing Kennedy of “health fascism.” One protester, who identified only as Greg, 45, and was seen eating a family-sized bucket of fried chicken, tearfully explained, “I’ve spent decades perfecting my misery. Now he wants me to jog? That’s violence.”

RFK Jr., unfazed, issued a statement doubling down on his platform. “I just want people to feel better, live longer, and maybe not wheeze through a conversation,” he said, prompting audible gasps from the crowd, many of whom took it as a personal attack. “He’s mocking our struggle!” cried attendee Linda, 52, who admitted she hadn’t left her recliner in three years until the protest.

Health experts are divided. Dr. Sheila Couchpotato, a self-styled “wellness skeptic,” argued that RFK’s policies ignore the “lived experience” of those who find comfort in processed foods and despair. “Forcing people to care about their health is oppressive,” she said, citing a study she read on Reddit. Conversely, Dr. James Vitals, a cardiologist, suggested that “maybe not dying prematurely could be a fun goal for some of these folks.”

The protest culminated in a symbolic “sit-in,” where participants collectively refused to stand for 45 minutes, citing joint pain and existential dread. Organizers vowed to continue their fight, with plans to petition for federally subsidized pizza delivery and a ban on gym memberships. “We’re not anti-health,” Muffin clarified, wiping Dorito dust from her chin. “We just want the freedom to be unhealthy in peace.”

As the crowd dispersed—slowly, with frequent breaks—RFK Jr. was reportedly seen jogging past, sipping a green smoothie. Witnesses claim the act was “deliberately provocative.” The Department of Health and Human Services has yet to comment, citing an ongoing investigation into whether happiness constitutes a public health crisis.

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