CBS’s The Late Show with Stephen Colbert clinched the Emmy for Best Talk Series at last night’s ceremony, a category apparently now reserved for shows so excruciatingly unbearable they’re mercifully yanked off the air. The win, hailed by no one in particular, marks a bold new era in television where mediocrity is not just tolerated but garlanded with gold-plated statuettes.

The Television Academy, in a statement that read like it was written by a Roomba stuck in a corner, praised The Late Show for “its daring commitment to alienating audiences with relentless sanctimony and punchlines that land like a damp sponge.” The show, which has spent years perfecting the art of talking at viewers rather than to them, was lauded for its “unwavering ability to make scrolling TikTok for two hours feel like a better use of time.”

Colbert, visibly confused while accepting the award in a tuxedo that screamed “I borrowed this from a community theater production,” thanked his team for their tireless work in “making sure every monologue feels like a lecture from your least favorite college professor.” He dedicated the win to “the 12 people still watching at 11:35 p.m.,” a group presumably consisting of insomniacs, masochists, and CBS executives contractually obligated to tune in.

The decision to cancel The Late Show came as no surprise to anyone with a functioning remote control. Ratings, which have been in a nosedive steeper than a SpaceX rocket with a faulty parachute, suggested that viewers preferred literally anything else—reruns of According to Jim, dead air, even infomercials for copper-infused socks. Insiders report that CBS finally pulled the plug after focus groups described the show as “like being trapped in a group chat with your most opinionated uncle, but with worse lighting.”

The Emmy win, however, has sparked debate about whether the Academy is trolling or just wildly out of touch. “It’s a bold choice,” said one anonymous voter, sipping a $17 latte outside a Burbank Starbucks. “We wanted to honor a show that’s been consistently unwatchable for nearly a decade. It’s not easy to bore America every night and still get renewed for as long as they did.” Others speculated the award was a consolation prize, like giving a participation trophy to a kid who set the field on fire during a soccer game.

Competing shows, including Jimmy Kimmel Live! and The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, were reportedly relieved to lose, with one producer whispering, “We didn’t want to win an award that’s basically a kiss of death.” Both shows, while not exactly setting the world ablaze, at least manage to occasionally entertain without making viewers feel like they’re being scolded by a TED Talk speaker with a vendetta.

As for Colbert, he’s reportedly planning to take his talents to a podcast, where he can lecture into the void without the burden of a live audience or Nielsen ratings. Sources close to the comedian say he’s already brainstorming titles, with “Stephen Colbert’s Sermon on the Mount, Sponsored by BetterHelp” as the frontrunner.

In the meantime, the Emmy win ensures The Late Show will be remembered—not for its incisive wit or cultural impact, but as a cautionary tale of what happens when a network mistakes a soapbox for a stage. As one X user succinctly put it: “Congrats to Stephen Colbert for winning an Emmy for Best Cancelled Show. Truly the participation trophy of television.”

The Television Academy has yet to announce whether “Best Show to Make You Regret Owning a TV” will be a category next year, but if it is, Colbert’s legacy is secure.

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