Local progressive activist Karen Witherspoon held a press conference today outside the Cedar Springs Community Center, passionately urging residents to “trust the science” on climate change, universal healthcare, and the ethical superiority of oat milk lattes. However, in a surprising twist, Ms. Witherspoon clarified that this trust comes with an asterisk: the science must align with her pre-existing worldview, or it’s to be summarily dismissed as “problematic” or “funded by Big Oil.”

The event, attended by a modest crowd of 12 (including two baristas and a confused jogger), began with Witherspoon waving a recycled clipboard and proclaiming, “We must follow the data—peer-reviewed, double-blind, and preferably served with a side of equity!” She cited a 2023 study from the Journal of Sustainable Virtue Signaling, which confirmed that reducing carbon emissions by 47% would save the planet and boost local kombucha sales. Applause ensued, though it was later revealed to be pre-recorded.

Trouble arose when a heckler—later identified as local contrarian Dave Jenkins—brandished a printout from the U.S. Sentencing Commission’s 2021 report, suggesting crime statistics might challenge certain social narratives. Witherspoon’s response was swift and surgical: “That’s not the right science,” she declared, adjusting her reusable tote bag. “Those numbers are clearly skewed by patriarchal biases and lack the necessary intersectional lens. Trust the science that supports justice, not the science that makes me uncomfortable.”

When pressed for clarification, Witherspoon elaborated, “Look, if the data says something I don’t like—say, about crime rates or economic outcomes—it’s obviously flawed. Real science uplifts marginalized voices and confirms my Instagram stories. Anything else is just noise from the fossil fuel lobby.” She then distributed pamphlets titled “101 Ways to Spot Bad Data (Hint: It Disagrees With Me),” which included helpful tips like “Check for whiteness” and “Ask if it’s been blessed by a DEI consultant.”

Local reactions were mixed. Barista Jamal Torres nodded approvingly, noting, “It’s about time we had science that vibes with our values.” Meanwhile, the jogger, still bewildered, muttered, “I just wanted a water fountain,” before fleeing the scene.

Experts, however, were less enthused. Dr. Evelyn Hart, a statistician at the University of Texas, dryly remarked, “Science isn’t a buffet where you pick the dishes you like. But I suppose selective trust is the new peer review.” Hart’s comment was immediately labeled “problematic” by Witherspoon’s social media team, who vowed to organize a candlelit vigil to heal the data’s “trauma.”

As the press conference concluded, Witherspoon unveiled her latest initiative: a “Science Trust Hotline,” where citizens can call to verify if a study passes her ideological smell test. “Call 1-800-TRUST-ME,” she beamed, “and we’ll tell you what’s true—because science should feel good, not challenge you.”

In related news, the Cedar Springs Weather Service announced a 100% chance of selective outrage this afternoon, with a 50% chance of irony overnight. Residents are advised to stay indoors and avoid engaging with facts that don’t spark joy.

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