The Supreme Court this week heard major cases on whether men who think they’re women because they’re mentally ill should be able to play sports with women who think they’re women because they’re women. The cases were a chance for the court to explore the question: is it fair for men who feel like women to play women’s sports or are we living in reality where that would be the sort of question only a nerdy nine-year-old boy would ask just before cracking up at his own joke and then making a series of snorting noises that ends with his accidentally blowing snot on his I Heart Stranger Things T-shirt? In the event, the case was argued before a gathering of fine legal minds and Ketanji Brown Jackson. The trans-athletes were represented by the famous attorney Foster Closterfockolus who was hired by the Roland Dinghead Memorial Fund, which was named in honor of the famous trans-athlete, a girl who identified as male and joined a men’s boxing club, then sadly died. Mr. Closterfockolus made the argument that — in theory — there are no real advantages to men who play women’s sports, so we should all live in theory instead of on earth where the idea is completely absurd. Judging by their responses to his argument, the justices seemed divided between those justices with IQ’s higher than a bowl of Cheerios and Ketanji Brown Jackson. The highlight of Mr. Closterfockolus’s argument was when he conjured up the cherished memory of transgender athletes from the past, like Abner Skullfog, a girl who identified as male and joined the local men’s ice hockey team, then, sadly, died. Mr. Closterfockolus said that to ban boys who identify as girls from girls’ sports would be to betray the memory of such pioneers who gave the last measure of devotion to free us from the shackles of sanity and common sense. Mr. Closterfockulus actually fought back tears as he went on to tell the story of another historic transgender innovator, Henry Blither, a woman who identified as a man and managed to join an NFL football team, then, sadly, died — though not before breaking through the Steelers’ offensive line to sack Aaron Rodgers. When Mr. Closterfockolus concluded his arguments, he was peppered with incisive questions by the brilliant justices and one from Ketanji Brown Jackson. Jackson asked, “If a man wears a skirt that’s a really soft shade of pink and has girly pleats with maybe a flower pattern, like little roses weaving in a kind of floaty, dream-like feminine way, and that skirt makes him very attractive to the sort of burly man who walks around with his shoulders and arms swinging, and then suddenly he sees this boy in his pretty pink skirt, and okay, it doesn’t develop into anything, but he takes a second look before becoming disgusted with himself, couldn’t we then say that the first boy is as much a female as that gruff detective on the HBO show about Easttown or is the whole scenario of three different local women getting kidnapped by the same man just too unbelievable?” The next probing question came from Justice Alito who asked the attorney, “What the hell is that moron talking about and how in God’s name did she get on the Supreme Court?” Throughout the questioning, the Justices tried to be respectful to the defendants by using their preferred pronouns without giggling, which unfortunately proved impossible. After the question period was over, the attorney for the states banning men in women’s sports, Joan Dark, stood before the justices and wept quietly for twenty minutes before answering questions, including another intricate inquiry from Alito, who said, “Why couldn’t that dementia-riddled puddlehead of a president find a black woman who had been to law school, or could at least form an English sentence?” But the final argument startled the justices when it came from a resonant disembodied voice that shook the courtroom, saying, “I created mankind in my image, male and female, and if you’re wondering why I didn’t ask your opinion about it, it’s because I’m omniscient and I knew there would one day be a justice on the Supreme Court who was dumber than a bowl of Cheerios.” * * * This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.” Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan. The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Without support from a single House Democrat, Republican Wisconsin Representative Bryan Steil’s “Stop Insider Trading Act” passed the House Administration Committee and will move on to the House floor for consideration. If enacted, the bill would restrict members of Congress from buying individual securities and would require notice seven to 14 days before a sale. Lawmakers would be able to continue to buy index and mutual funds, as well as continue investing dividends in previously purchased securities. Democrats continue to argue that the bill is not strong enough, with many stating that trading should be banned entirely and that lawmakers should be required to fully divest before taking office. Throughout the two-hour markup, Democratic House reps proposed amendments. Ranking member Rep. Joe Morelle (D-NY) proposed requiring “Congress and the President and the Vice President” to fully divest. Rep. Julie Johnson (D-TX) offered a similar amendment that would mandate full divestment without providing relief from capital gains taxes. Steil pushed back, warning that mandatory divestment could discourage qualified candidates from seeking office. “Under the amendment offered by our colleague from Texas, that [capital gains tax] would obviously continue to apply … [and] for some people that may be a very significant financial impact,” he said. He added that the financial burden could lead “some individuals … to not come to Congress — and not because they did anything wrong, but because they had a successful private sector career.” Chris Josephs, the co-founder of Autopilot, an app that allows average Americans to trade the same stocks Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) trades, previously voiced the same concerns to The Daily Wire about legislation requiring full divestment. “I think it would demotivate a major class of successful people from running,” Josephs said. “Businesspeople are successful. They know how to run things. They know how to lead. They know how to hire. They know how to create strategies. They know how to execute on those strategies. We should not just say no to those potential candidates just because they own businesses and they’re not gonna sell.” Josephs told The Daily Wire he suspected that the 2024 election would have looked drastically different with full divestments in place. “The 2024 election, you got Trump and Vance. Vance is an ex-venture capitalist, ex-business guy. He owns a lot of individual stocks that are private. And then you’ve got Trump, who owns a lot of stuff. On the other side of the ticket, though, you’ve got Kamala, who’s a career-long politician. You’ve got Tim Walz, who proudly doesn’t even own a house. And if that bill were to be passed, just based on how that would work, Trump and Vance wouldn’t be allowed to run unless they sold their stuff, which I doubt they would have.” After full-divestment amendments were rejected, Rep. Norma Torres (D-CA) introduced an amendment to prohibit the reinvestment of dividends. Republicans voted it down, keeping dividend reinvestment permissible under the bill. Steil defended the decision, arguing that dividend payments do not pose the same insider trading risks. “Those dividends are structured within the company with advanced notice, outside of the control of any given member. It doesn’t carry the risk of insider trading,” he said. “Because it doesn’t carry the risk of insider trading, what we allowed for was the reinvestment of dividends.” He later emphasized the bill’s intent, saying, “The focus here is to prevent members from being able to profit off of insider information — not to make elected officials poor.”

WASHINGTON—Vice President JD Vance will headline the March for Life in Washington, D.C., this year, The Daily Wire can first report. Vance will speak Friday, January 23, at one of the largest human rights demonstrations in the world, which is held every year on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade in defense of the hundreds of thousands of unborn babies whose lives are ended through abortion every year in the United States. “Vice President Vance is grateful to the tens of thousands of Americans who travel to the National Mall each year to speak out in support of life, and looks forward to joining them for the second consecutive year,” a spokesman for the vice president told The Daily Wire. “President Trump has delivered more victories for the pro-life movement than any president in history,” the spokesman added, “and the vice president will continue to fight for the right to life alongside the president and his administration.” House Speaker Mike Johnson, Congressman Chris Smith, and other pro-life figures will also speak at the march, which is themed, “Life Is A Gift,” emphasizing “that life is very good and worthy of protection, no matter the circumstances.”  This is the second time that Vance will speak at the annual March for Life. Last year, ahead of President Donald Trump’s inauguration, Vance gave his first remarks as vice president to the thousands of pro-life Americans who gathered on the National Mall. He promised the march that “we will be back next year,” and he is keeping his word. “It is a blessing to know the truth, and the truth is that unborn life is worthy of protection,” Vance told the thousands of pro-life demonstrators last year. “So please, go forth, not with frustration, but with joy.” “We are joyful to March for Life,” he said. “We are joyful to know that that picture on an ultrasound, that is a picture of baby with hopes and dreams and potential to come. It is a joy and a blessing to fight for the unborn, to work for the unborn, and to March for Life.” Vice President JD Vance speaks at the 2025 March for Life (Photo by Kent Nishimura/Getty Images) Vance, who supported the pro-life movement as both a senator and as vice president of the United States, has described himself as “100% pro-life.” “If you’re not willing to stand up to the left on abortion, you can’t be trusted on anything else,” Vance said in 2022. “The pro-life position is the pro-people position and I’m proud to be 100% pro-life.” Trump himself spoke at the March for Life himself in 2019, several years before the Supreme Court overturned Roe, a massive pro-life win thanks to the president’s appointments to the Court. “When we see the image of a baby in the womb, we glimpse the majesty of God’s creation,” Trump said at the 2019 march. “When we hold a newborn in our arms, we know the endless love that each child brings to a family. When we watch a child grow, we see the splendor that radiates from each human soul. One life changes the world.  From my family — and I can tell you, I send love and I send great, great love.” Trump is the most pro-life president in United States history, holding a strong record of pro-life action since he took office: he reinstated and expanded the Mexico City Policy during his first week in office in 2017, issued a landmark pro-life rule to govern the use of Title X taxpayer funding, told Congress he would veto any legislation that weakens pro-life policies or encourages the destruction of human life, and warned the United Nations away from attacking the sovereignty of nations that protect innocent life. “Unborn children have never had a stronger defender in the White House,” he told the March for Life in 2019. President Donald Trump speaks at the 2019 March For Life (Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images) In his second administration, the president has continued to defend life, though he has discussed abortion far less, partially due to the fact that Roe was overturned. The president has reflected frankly on how the issue of abortion plays electorally, and pointed out that the country is not unified on when and where to protect life. In January 2025, the president issued an executive order enforcing the Hyde Amendment, which bans the use of taxpayer funds for abortions, and reinstated the Mexico City Policy, which stops the use of taxpayer funds overseas. He quickly pardoned the pro-life activists imprisoned by President Joe Biden’s administration, and he has revoked many of the Biden-era executive orders promoting abortion across the country. Far-left pro-abortion groups regard the administration with fear and condemnation. One such group, the Center for Reproductive Rights, claims that in his first 100 days in office, “President Trump has taken unprecedented action to restrict access to reproductive health care in the United States and around the world.” “His administration is stacked with extreme opponents of reproductive freedom working day and night to undermine the rule of law we depend on to uphold our fundamental rights,” the far-left abortion group stated. “Individually, these officials have great power; together, they will do long-lasting damage to human rights and to our democracy.” At the same time, the pro-life movement wants Trump to do much more. Many on the right, including top Republicans like Senator Josh Hawley of Missouri, have expressed concerns that the Department of Health and Human Services is slow-walking a review of abortion drugs, highlighting the growing body of evidence showing that the drugs are causing severe and underreported harm to women. Though pro-lifers are afraid that HHS will not pull through and demand that the department reinstate abortion drug safety standards removed under the Biden administration, pro-abortion groups like the Guttmacher Institute warn direly that the administration has “initiated steps that could culminate in the severe restriction of mifepristone,” promising that if the Trump administration reinstates safety standards for the drugs, “it would also have a devastating impact on abortion.” Trump also prompted strong concerns from the pro-life movement when he suggested to Republican lawmakers this month that they might need to be “a little bit flexible” on Hyde as they negotiated with Democrats on health care. The remark shocked both his pro-life base and Capitol Hill, prompting strong pushback from pro-life groups like SBA Pro-Life America — pushback that the administration took note of, White House officials said. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told The Daily Signal’s Elizabeth Troutman at an early January press briefing that Trump did not change the administration’s policy on Hyde, reminding the public that “it was President Trump who signed an executive order protecting the Hyde Amendment” on his fourth day in office. “It’s the Trump administration that has taken multiple actions on various fronts to ensure that taxpayer dollars are not funding the practice of abortion,” she said. “What the president was saying yesterday was Republicans, and frankly Democrats, too, need to show a little bit more flexibility so we can actually get something done with respect to the issue of health care.”

In a significant display of bipartisan unity, Texas GOP Congressman Randy Weber led a group of 59 lawmakers in a formal letter to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, urging the Trump administration to maintain its forceful condemnation of the Iranian regime’s escalating violence. The letter comes amid harrowing reports that the theocratic government has transitioned from standard riot control to a campaign of lethal force, mass arrests, and systematic intimidation against its own citizens. The lawmakers highlight an alarming trend: the deliberate targeting of civilian infrastructure. Reports indicate that Iranian security forces have raided hospitals and medical clinics, not only to arrest injured demonstrators but to deny them life-saving care. The letter asserts that these actions constitute “serious violations of international humanitarian and human rights law.” The bipartisan coalition emphasizes that the ongoing protests represent more than just economic frustration; they are a rejection of both the current theocratic system and past monarchical dictatorships. According to the letter, the Iranian people are demanding a: Secular and democratic republic Non-nuclear state System grounded in political pluralism and human dignity Supporting the letter, Rep. Beth Van Duyne (R-TX) noted that the “Peace Through Strength” doctrine is already shifting global security, characterizing the current unrest as the “death spiral of the Ayatollahs.” Rep. Laurel Lee (R-FL) added that the United States has a moral obligation to ensure that the repression of civilians is not tolerated by the international community, telling the Washington Reporter, “The Iranian regime is engaging in a deliberate campaign to suppress political dissent through lethal force, mass detentions, and the obstruction of access to medical care—conduct that constitutes clear violations of international human rights and humanitarian law. The United States has an obligation to publicly condemn these actions, maintain sustained diplomatic pressure, and make clear that repression of civilians and abuse of state power will not be tolerated.” The letter serves as a strategic nudge to Secretary Rubio, historically one of Washington’s most prominent Iran hawks, to utilize a “whole-of-government” approach. As the administration reportedly weighs military and diplomatic options to assist anti-regime demonstrators, this congressional mandate reinforces America’s commitment to standing in solidarity with those seeking self-determination in the face of what some reports suggest is a death toll exceeding 10,000.

The Florida Panthers celebrated their Stanley Cup win in patriotic fashion at the White House Thursday with President Donald Trump. No boycotting, no bad-mouthing, just love and respect for the country many on the team call home. “On behalf of the whole organization and mainly the players, we are so honored to be here,” Florida Panthers winger Matthew Tkachuk told Trump. “Being an American, I know I said it last year, but I mean, nothing beats this. I’m so proud to be an American, and I’m so proud to be here with you and everybody else.” The back-to-back NHL Stanley Cup Champs have transformed the Florida franchise. Though Tkachuk scored two goals in the Panthers’ Stanley Cup Final series, hanging out with the President is at the top of his list of accomplishments. “The two Cups was pretty good, but that walk with you might’ve ‘Trumped’ it all there,” Tkachuk said, emphasizing the play on words. “That was pretty amazing.” .@FlaPanthers star Matthew Tkachuk: “The two Cups was pretty good, but that walk with you might’ve Trumped it all… Nothing beats this. I’m so proud to be an American, and so proud to be here with you.” pic.twitter.com/r3LXfIU5fQ — Rapid Response 47 (@RapidResponse47) January 15, 2026 As an honorary Floridian himself, Trump praised the Panthers for their historic accomplishments, including bringing the first-ever Stanley Cup to South Florida. The President said he watched some of the Panthers’ games last season and the players “know how to win.” “It’s an honor to welcome to the White House the two-time defending Stanley Cup champions, the Florida Panthers,” Trump said. “Unbelievable team, unbelievable athletes, players. These men are responsible for the greatest feats in Panthers’ franchise history.” The President pointed out that he should be welcoming the three-time defending champions, but the Panthers lost in the final in 2023. “The one that you didn’t make, what the hell happened to you? You should have won that game,” Trump said as the room erupted in laughter. The Panthers gifted Trump a No. 47 jersey, a flashy championship ring, and a golden hockey stick, which Trump said will be “good for slashing.” Trump loved the fact that the Panthers beat the Edmonton Oilers, one of the NHL’s seven Canadian teams — a big win for the Team USA crowd. “You denied Canada the Stanley Cup for the 32nd straight year,” Trump said. “We have a little competition with Canada … We’re doing much better than Canada, but that’s okay. We want them to do well, and they’re going to do well.” Canada and the United States are just weeks away from competing in the Winter Olympics that start in February. Tkachuk, who was raised in Missouri, told Trump he cannot wait to put on the Team USA jersey. “Representing you and the millions back here next month in the Olympics will be one of the highlights of my life as well,” he added, while looking toward the president. The NHL will pause for the Olympics, but when the season picks back up at the end of February, Tkachuk told Trump to make room for another Panther’s championship ring in the White House. “We’re not stopping now, we hope to be here next year.”