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Troy Jackson Is The Cousin F*cker Who Would Replace The Nazi
Happy Friday to everyone, but not to Troy Jackson. The Cousin F*cker.
You heard that right, friends. Troy Jackson, the newly selected Democratic Senate nominee to replace Graham Platner (Nazi tattoo guy) up in Maine and take on Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) for a seat that could hand Democrats the majority, is in a long-term relationship with, and shares two children with, his second cousin.
There’s a sentence you never thought you’d read.
We knew he was bad. Jackson stood by his friend Platner right up until a liberal woman accused him of rape; he’s a devout socialist, and his policies sit to the Left of Bernie Sanders. But we didn’t know he was this bad. Married-to-his-cousin bad.
Somehow this skeleton, alive and kicking, is almost worse than Platner’s closet of overflowing bones. You’ll remember Graham Platner, the self-described communist who also claims to be an oyster farmer, though his main customer is his mommy. He had a large Nazi tattoo on his chest, cheated on his wife just months into their marriage, has a sexting problem, and enjoys jerking off in porta-potties. He said he’d r*pe home invaders, but not in a gay way, and he had a Kik account, a site notorious for hosting child sex predators. Oh, and he was accused of sexual assault by a Right-wing staffer.
You’ll also remember that none of this moved the needle for Democrats. They staunchly defended this hirsute gopher and shrugged off his machinations right up to the end. It wasn’t until a liberal woman claimed he’d raped her that his support finally fell by the wayside.
But have no fear! Democrats have an unending list of capable, normal, hardworking candidates to put in his place — someone to lay siege to Collins’s reign!
We saw these qualified quacks take the Maine Senate debate stage earlier this month, and their sheer star power was astounding. Between transgender-identifying candidate Ashley Webb, who cited his background as a songwriter and author as proof of his qualifications, and Troy Jackson, the former logger with an affinity for putting his log in his relatives, this bench seemed unstoppable.
Right up until word escaped the incestuary that Jackson was playing house with his high school second-cousin sweetheart.
Sen. Collins is probably pouring an extra-large glass of wine and toasting the Maine Democratic Party’s unparalleled talent for self-sabotage.
While Democrats scramble to explain why their latest “normal, hardworking” replacement shares great-grandparents with the mother of his children, Collins can campaign on the radical idea of not being related to her spouse. Second-cousin romance may be legal, and not unheard of in the remote North Woods, but the rest of the state still prefers its senators to have family trees that don’t look like a pretzel.
And no, Dems, you can’t pretend this is like FDR and Eleanor. They were fifth cousins. Still super weird. But slightly better than sharing a great-grandparent.
This is what happens when a party defends the indefensible until the last possible second, then pivots to the next available warm body without checking the Ancestry.com results. Platner had the Nazi ink and the porta-potties. Jackson has the high-school-sweetheart-who’s-also-family situation.
These two could star in a low-budget Lifetime original: Love in the North Woods: When Blood Is Thicker Than Water and Also Kinda the Same Thing, But Not In A Gay Way. Somewhere in between, the concept of a boring, electable candidate got lost in those woods and never came back.
So again, happy Friday to everyone but Troy Jackson. The rest of us can enjoy the weekend knowing that, once again, the Maine Democratic bench has delivered pure entertainment and an easier path to reelection for Susan Collins.
Unless, of course, Mainers find second-cousin-f*cking commie candidates romantic and mysterious. In that case, let them keep it in the family.