Walking through life with unmet desires is a universal experience. Many of us have faced unwanted singleness or infertility. Some long for friendship, community, a mentor, or a church family. Maybe we simply want a job that pays the bills. When a believer struggles with unmet desires, it’s not uncommon for her to hear, “Once you’re content, then God will give you ______ (a baby, a husband, a job).” That line of thinking is flawed for several reasons, one of which is that it sets us up to wrongly believe we can control God’s hand. If we can just be content, he’ll open his palm and give us what we want. There’s also a more subtle problem. It assumes a person struggling with unmet desires is discontent. Scripture says that “hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov. 13:12). When I was single and longing for a husband, I experienced this heartsickness. Later, when baby after baby slipped from my womb, I felt the throb of deferred hope and the pain it causes. But did that heartsickness mean I was discontent? Can a believer rightly feel sadness over deferred earthly hopes without sinning? Sad and Content Not long before his death, Jesus wept over Jerusalem, saying, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!” (Matt. 23:37). Jesus truly meant what he said. Somehow, even though he’d planned with the Father before the foundation of the world to allow Israel to reject him as their Messiah to take the gospel to the Gentiles, Jesus still lamented the rejection. Was Jesus discontent? Of course not! Jesus never sinned. But he did weep. He was sad. We, of course, aren’t sinless like Jesus. But it’s still possible for us to weep over deferred desires and yet have our hearts secure and content in Christ. We can weep over deferred desires and yet have our hearts secure and content in Christ. It’s possible for a widow to lament her loneliness and be content with God’s plans. A man can experience discouragement after applying for a better job and still be content in the job he has. Some of the most content women I know are single in their 40s and longing for marriage. Sadness over deferred desires isn’t the same as discontentment. Signs of Discontent Sadness moves to discontent when our good desires become disordered or inordinate—when we’re willing to sin to get what we want, or we sin because we don’t have what we want. Like the Israelites in the wilderness, we grow angry and accusatory toward our Creator (Ex. 17:3). We blame God for not providing a spouse to satisfy our sexual desires and use this as justification for impurity. We see the baby in the arms of our unbelieving family member and jealously think, How could God give her a baby and not me? Our sin reveals our discontent. The signs of discontent are things like a demanding spirit, questioning God’s goodness and wisdom, disobeying God’s commands, trying to force God’s hand, seeking what we want no matter the cost, envy, and idolatry. But not sadness. As we consider whether we’re sad or discontent, we can ask ourselves questions like these: At the end of the day, if God doesn’t give us what we want, will we still obey him? Do we believe he is good and he is enough for us? Lament Unmet Desires If we truly search our hearts, we’ll likely find discontent in there somewhere. It’s good for us to search that out and confess it to the Lord. But it’s not sinful to be sad. We can rightly lament when good desires go unmet. It’s not sinful to be sad. We can rightly lament when good desires go unmet. The author of Hebrews helps us know where to go when sadness grips our hearts: the throne of grace (Heb. 4:16). God welcomes us to confidently bring our pain to him in prayer and lament. We can cry out to him and even humbly ask for the good gifts we desire as a child would to a good Father. We can pray psalms back to God: “How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?” (Ps. 13:1). This is how a believer holds ache and trust in the same hand: bringing our pain to God and asking to be filled with the satisfaction only he can provide.

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