Listen up, you chrome-plated philosophers and asphalt apostles. Mr. Magoo, The Biker Guru, here—squintin’ at the horizon like it owes me money and a handjob. Today’s dharma from the saddlebag: The Eternal Erection of the Open Road—How to Stay Hard When Life Tries to Make You Soft. Brothers and sisters of the throttle, the universe is one giant tease. She flashes a little leg (that perfect curve on Highway 666), gets your motor runnin’, then slams on the brakes with rain, tickets, or your prostate actin’ up. That’s the cosmic blue-ball special. My enlightenment came at 3 a.m. outside a Reno titty bar when I realized: the boner ain’t in your Levis, it’s in your soul. I was legally blind, half drunk, and still harder than Chinese algebra because I understood—the ride itself is the foreplay, the crash is the money shot.Rule one: Never trust a bike that don’t vibrate like a $400 escort with a secret. That buzz between your legs? That’s Buddha humpin’ your taint, remindin’ you you’re alive. I told my last ol’ lady, “Darlin’, loyalty’s like a kickstart—sometimes you gotta stomp it ten times before it catches.” She left with my toolbox and my dignity. Lesson learned: Women come and go, but a good carburetor’ll stay tuned forever if you sweet-talk it and don’t cheap out on the jets.Advanced wisdom: If you wake up in a ditch with no memory, no wallet, and someone else’s panties on your head, congratulations—you just achieved satori. That’s the sound of one hand clapping… the other one’s busy. Never apologize for the skid marks in your life; they’re just proof you leaned into the curve instead of pussying out straight. Final koan, grasshoppers: Why does the road never end? Because climax is for quitters. Keep that piston pumpin’, that rubber burnin’, that flag at full staff. When St. Peter asks why you’re still revvin’ at the pearly gates, tell him Mr. Magoo sent ya—then moonwalk your hog straight through. Eternity’s just the longest poker run in existence, and baby, I’m holdin’ a royal flush in my pants. Ride it like you stole it, love it like it’ll leave ya, and never, ever pull out early. Now twist that throttle and salute the sunrise with your middle finger. Namaste, motherfuckers. Mr. Magoo, The Biker Guru: “The Enlightenment of the Endless Boner” Drunken notorious biker gang member, 39, handed fully suspended sentence  EX HELLS ANGEL HARLEY GUINDON COPIES IRON ORDER TO EXPAND SATANS CHOICE Suzuki–AMCC Series Finale Delivers Close Racing & Big Wins Bandidos gang member member pleads guilty to illegal firearm