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Gut Busters MC: The Great Smoky Mountain Booze, Boobs & Bear Run of 2025
The Gut Busters Motorcycle Club never needed an excuse to act stupid, but when Big Gut Buster Gallagher slammed a meaty fist on the Bakersfield clubhouse table and hollered, “Boys, we’re goin’ to the Smokies to find moonshine, mountain women, and whatever the hell a salamander is,” nobody argued. Twenty-eight bikes, three support vans full of beer and bail money, and one flatbed hauling Gut Buster’s custom trike (because his ass no longer fit on a regular seat) left California on a Tuesday and aimed east like a heat-seeking burrito.
Day 1 – Oklahoma: The Great Possum IncidentThey hit the Oklahoma state line doing 95 in a 70. A highway patrolman tried to pull the pack over. Gut Buster solved the problem by mooning the trooper from the trike’s elevated throne. The cop laughed so hard he dropped his radar gun. Oklahoma declared it a draw.
That night they camped outside Tulsa at a nudist biker rally called “Bare Ass & Harleys.” Two-Balls Tony entered the hairy-back contest and placed second, losing only to a 74-year-old woman named Pickles who had more back hair than a yak. Gut Buster placed first in the “Most Likely to Cause an Eclipse” category and won a jar of moonshine labeled “Blind in One Eye – Dead in Both.”
Day 3 – Arkansas: Hillbilly HospitalityThe Ozarks welcomed them with rain, banjos, and a strip club built inside an old Piggly Wiggly. The sign read “Hog Wild Gentlemen’s Club – No Shoes, No Teeth, No Problem.” Knuckles fell in love with a dancer named Cooter Jean who had a tattoo of Dale Earnhardt on her left tit and Dale Jr. on the right. Cooter Jean’s boyfriend, a 300-pound moonshiner named Bubba Ray, objected. The fight destroyed three pool tables, one mechanical pig, and the club’s only working toilet. Gut Buster ended the brawl by sitting on Bubba Ray until he apologized. They left Arkansas with a new club prospect (Cooter Jean herself) and five gallons of peach moonshine strong enough to strip paint off a battleship.
Day 5 – Tennessee: Tail of the DragonThe Tail of the Dragon – 318 curves in 11 miles – is sacred ground. Gut Buster declared it “just a road with hiccups.” He attempted all 318 on the trike while chugging peach moonshine. He missed 312 of them. The trike ended up hanging halfway off a cliff, held only by a support van’s tow strap and the grace of whichever god protects drunken idiots. A park ranger arrived, took one look at twenty-eight bikers trying to winch a 1,200-pound trike with a come-along and a prayer, and simply asked for an autograph. Gut Buster signed the ranger’s forehead with a Sharpie: “Gut Busters MC – We Put the ‘Fun’ in Guardrail.”
Day 6 – Gatlinburg: Tourist Trap Turned Trap HouseGatlinburg is Disneyland with moonshine instead of Mickey Mouse. The Gut Busters rented an entire block of cabins under the name “Church Youth Group.” By midnight the cabins were on fire (literally) after Knuckles tried to deep-fry a turkey in a motel ice bucket. Fire department showed up. Fire chief recognized Gut Buster from a viral video titled “World’s Largest Man vs Mechanical Bull – Vegas 2024.” The fire was declared “performance art” and everybody got free T-shirts.
The next afternoon they found Ole Smoky Moonshine distillery doing tastings. Gut Buster entered the “How Much Can One Human Consume Before Death” contest and drank fourteen different flavors in fourteen minutes. He won a lifetime supply and immediate medical attention. The paramedics pumped his stomach and found: three olives, a set of Harley keys, and a live possum that had apparently hitched a ride in Oklahoma. They named the possum Sturgis and made him the new club mascot.
Day 7 – Deals Gap: The BearThe plan was to camp at Deals Gap Motorcycle Resort, drink everything that wasn’t nailed down, and ride the Dragon sober the next morning. Nature had other plans. A 500-pound black bear wandered into camp at 2 a.m. looking for trash and found the Gut Buster passed out in a hammock with a funnel of moonshine still in his mouth. The bear licked Gut Buster’s face. Gut Buster woke up, thought it was Cooter Jean, and tried to make out with it.
The bear objected. What followed was ten minutes of biker vs bear wrestling that looked like a nature documentary directed by the Three Stooges. Knuckles tried to help by throwing beer cans. Two-Balls tried to help by live-streaming it. The bear finally left after Gut Buster accidentally sat on him again. Video got 14 million views in 24 hours and the bear became an internet celebrity named “Gut Hugger.”
Day 8 – Cherokee, North Carolina: Casino ChaosThe Gut Busters hit Harrah’s Cherokee Casino with $11 in pocket change and a dream. Within an hour Gut Buster had turned that eleven bucks into $11,000 playing slots fueled entirely by free whiskey and stubbornness. He immediately blew it all on a private buffet for the entire club, three limos, and a mechanical bull shipped overnight from Texas. The bull arrived at 3 a.m. Gut Buster rode it wearing nothing but boots, a feather boa borrowed from a drag queen named Peaches, and a tribal headdress he won in a claw machine. Security asked him to leave. He asked security to join the club. They compromised: security joined him on the bull. The casino banned the Gut Busters for life and mailed them a fruit basket as a peace offering.
Day 9 – Blue Ridge Parkway: The WeddingOutside Asheville, the pack stumbled across a roadside wedding – bride in white, groom in camo, reception in a VFW hall. Gut Buster declared it fate. The club crashed the reception, turned it into an impromptu biker wedding, and made the groom an honorary Gut Buster by tattooing the club logo on his ass with a Sharpie and a sewing needle sterilized in Jack Daniel’s. The bride thought it was the greatest thing ever. The groom’s mother did not. She chased Gut Buster around the parking lot with a cast-iron skillet until he apologized by letting her pour a belly shot directly into his navel. She declared him “an angel with dirty wings” and adopted him on the spot.
Day 10 – Back to the Dragon, Sober (kinda)Final morning. Hangovers you could photograph from space. Gut Buster stood on a picnic table, belly glowing in the sunrise like a hairy sunrise itself, and gave the speech of his life:“Brothers, sisters of the Gut Busters MC, we came for moonshine and curves. We leave with a possum, a bear hug, a casino ban, and a new brother who can’t sit down for a month. That, my friends, is what we call a successful run!” They rode the Tail of the Dragon one last time – this time mostly sober. Gut Buster only missed 187 curves. Progress.
They rolled back into Bakersfield two weeks later with:
One possum wearing a tiny kutte
One trike held together with duct tape and prayer
Zero functioning livers
Eleven new tattoos nobody could remember recruiting
A bear that now has its own Instagram (@GutHuggerOfficial – 3.2 million followers)
And a story nobody will ever believe but everybody will tell anyway.
Gut Buster Gallagher raised a fresh jar of peach moonshine to the sky and bellowed the only truth that matters:
“Gut Busters don’t ride to get anywhere. We ride so the road has somethin’ to talk about when we’re gone!”
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PAGAN MC MEMBER BUSTED ON DISGUSTING CHARGES
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