A grandmother’s candid take on family dynamics is getting people talking, and for many, nodding in agreement. After noticing a recurring question from frustrated grandparents online, one woman decided to address a sensitive topic head-on: why grandchildren often seem to spend more time with their mother’s side of the family. In a recent Instagram reel, Maria DeLorenzo, 59, responded to a wave of comments, particularly from mothers-in-law (MIL), wondering how to “counteract” what feels like an uneven relationship. Her answer was simple but eye-opening. “Kids live their lives in proximity to their parents,” she said, implying that they’re often closer to their mother. As a result, if grandparents on the father’s side don’t try to “cultivate” a relationship with the mom, aka the daughter-in-law (DIL), they may have fewer opportunities to see their grandchildren as a consequence. “It’s not rocket science,” she added. “That’s all there is to it…so choose.” View this post on Instagram That opinion is shared by Cheryl Groskopf, a holistic therapist at Evolution to Healing. “It’s important to understand that grandparent relationships usually grow out of the parent relationship first,” Groskopf said. “A child’s primary sense of safety runs through their parent—especially early on. So if a mother feels supported, respected, and emotionally safe with a grandparent…the most effective mindset shift is understanding that connection with the grandchild comes through connection with the parent.” Video sparks thoughtful debate The Instagram video drew more than 100,000 views and sparked a thoughtful discussion in the comments. Many parents shared personal experiences that supported DeLorenzo’s perspective. However, others felt it was an “outdated” view of MIL/DIL dynamics and argued that both the DIL and the son share responsibility for cultivating closeness. Even Groskopf agreed that “DILs can also be intentional about creating space for connection. Many grandparents are trying to figure out what their role is in a new family system. Small gestures like sharing updates, inviting them into moments with the child, and acknowledging their excitement about being a grandparent can go a long way toward building safe and supportive relationships.” No matter how you slice it, effort and intention from all sides seem to be necessary ingredients for building relationships. What a grandparent can do to build a relationship Here are some helpful ideas, courtesy of certified parent coach Sari Goodman:  Ask the parents, “How can I help?” and then follow through. Show up without judgment. Your grandkids may not be raised the way you would raise them, but it’s best to keep that to yourself. Show up with compliments. Notice something the parents do well and share the observation. When the grandkids do something brilliant, adorable, or sweet, point it out. Follow the rules the parents have established. If, for example, the children aren’t allowed to have sugar, don’t give it to them. Compliment the DIL’s parents. Did they bring the grandchildren a clever toy? Tell them. Do they have a method for getting the grandchildren into the car calmly? Say you want to learn from them. What a DIL can do to cultivate a relationship @heyjanellemarie Getting On the Same Page Honestly regardless of age, both parties should always be coming to any relationship with the intention and expextation for mutual respect. But noting that just because a Daughter-In-Law or future daughter-in-law isn’t a child and is in fact a grown person may help guide the approach you take as a parent of an adult or MIL. #relationshipbuilding #healthyrelationships #inlawrelationships #toxicmil #toxicdil #toxicinlaws #mutualrespect #mutualbenefit #opencommunication #effectivecommunication ♬ original sound – Janelle Marie Here are some helpful ideas from Goodman: Ask for help. Grandparents want to feel needed. Raising kids is hard. It’s a win-win. Ask grandparents for their opinion once in a while. Ask grandparents how things were done when you were a child. Be clear about the rules and policies you have established for your family. If the grandparents are babysitting, be sure to show them where the drinks and snacks are. If the grandparents are babysitting over a mealtime, have a meal prepared for them to eat. Compliment their grandparenting skills. Bottom line: all relationships take work. And very often, whether it’s with grandparents or within friendship circles, that effort pays off exponentially. The post The 1 mistake grandparents who don’t see their grandkids enough make with their daughter-in-law appeared first on Upworthy.