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Knowing the difference between ‘being loved’ and ‘feeling loved’ is the secret to happiness
“Love makes the world go ’round”—and it’s key to feeling more connected to others. Love and happiness also go hand in hand.
Harry Reis, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, and Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, teamed up to explain their research on the connection between happiness and love in their new book, How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.
According to the authors, the key to happiness isn’t just love itself—it’s about “feeling loved.”
“I do know people who are happy, and I know people who are unhappy, and I can tell you the main difference between them: Happy people feel loved,” Reis said in a recent interview.
However, they explain that many people don’t know the difference between “being loved” and “feeling loved.”
“Being loved” vs. “feeling loved”
The difference between the two is key to true happiness.
“Many of us are actually loved by other people, and yet we don’t feel it,” said Reis. “Many people believe that in order to feel love, they need to make themselves more lovable.”
Reis and Lyubomirsky explain that people often try to attain love through performance, such as being impressive, attractive, or successful. But “feeling loved” comes down to vulnerability.
“To feel that the people in your life truly get you, value you, and love you is what makes life worth living,” they wrote in the book. “This is what makes people happy.”
To feel loved, you have to be known.
“Truly being seen and heard is what creates that deep sense of security about feeling loved,” Lyubomirsky said in an interview. “It doesn’t mean you need to overshare or unload your burdens on someone in the first 10 minutes of meeting them; it’s about progressively revealing what really matters to you.”
How to “feel” loved
The “relationship sea-saw” is a tool that Reis and Lyubomirsky created to represent how connection works, and why it’s key to feeling loved. The relationship sea-saw mirrors a seesaw on a children’s playground, but on water. As each side dips into the water, it becomes “hidden”—an allusion to feeling hidden in relationships.
“When we lift up the other person, it’s as if we lift them above the waterline,” Reis explained. “All of a sudden, parts that were previously hidden are now visible.”
The “relationship sea-saw.” Courtesy: University of Rochester
Two things lift a person in a relationship out of the water: paying attention and showing care. Reis and Lyubomirsky believe that showing more love in these ways can create a cycle of reciprocation.
“Most of who we are is hidden beneath the surface, and we usually only show that highlight reel,” Lyubomirsky said. “When I show warmth, curiosity, and acceptance toward you, I help lift you up out of the water. As I listen carefully, you’re able to share more of your full self. Then, the idea is that you will reciprocate, showing interest in my inner life and helping to lift me out of the water in return.”
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