Since audiences first saw the words “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away” emblazoned in laser blue on movie screens worldwide in 1977, Star Wars has captured imaginations everywhere. Even with its divisive prequels, abysmal sequels, and mostly low-rent spinoff series, the spark from its core magic continues to burn in the hearts of generations of fans. It’s why, after years of abuse at the hands of Disney and Kathleen Kennedy, you’re here reading about their latest offering, The Acolyte, hoping but not really believing that the nightmare has come to an end and Star Wars has stopped drinking for good this time. Star Wars: Acolyte (S1:E1 & E2) Little Orphan Raggedy Ann and her very intimidating moptop are on a dark side-filled rage quest for revenge against the four Jedi Masters who betrayed her. Little does she know that her identical twin sister survived the fire that killed the rest of their family when they were children, and now the two find themselves on opposite sides, each looking for justice on their own terms.   Star Wars: Acolyte (S1: E1 & E2) Review The original Star Wars (eventually retitled A New Hope in 1981) was objectively imperfect. Some of its dialogue is rather cringeworthy, and some narrative elements are less than developed (ex: Luke being more upset over the death of a man he’s known for a few days than Leia is about the death of her entire planet, including her parents). However, its grand scale, fun characters, perfect score, and rousing story make it easy to overlook these imperfections and enjoy Episode IV and its two sequels for the epic and sweeping adventures they are. While the first season, and in a small part the second, of The Mandalorian managed to capture the scope and texture of the Star Wars universe unlike anything since the original trilogy, the unfortunate reality is that small screen Star Wars has been largely a bitter disappointment. The Book of Boba Fett was a mess, Obi-Wan Kenobi was a canon-busting disaster, and Ahsoka was an uninspired low-T vanity project. This brings us to the first two episodes of the fan-fiction cosplay that is The Acolyte. Between Kathleen Kennedy and Disney setting the bar so low with their slow, torturous murder of Lucasfilm, it’s difficult to be disappointed by this latest offering. From its ill-fitting Wookie costume to its charismas-vacuum characters and its laugh-out-loud dialogue, The Acolyte could be worse, but with an average budget of three-quarters of a million dollars per minute, it manages to eek its way to mediocre. No single element of the show can be targeted as the anchor that keeps it from achieving greatness. Instead, Star Wars: The Acolyte is wholly middling on every level. Amandla Stenberg, who plays the leads (yeah, you read that correctly), is as adequate a performer as anyone else in the program, but her flawless complexion and tiny tiny stature combined with the horror show that is her evil COVID-gator costume, ridiculous Rick James braids, and some truly horrendous dialogue relegate her to passable. Furthermore, there’s nothing about her pretty face or soft feminine physique that’s remotely menacing, or that speaks to a hard life of loss and pain. The Dark Side’s a hell of a drug. Stenberg isn’t alone; amid the Jedi Knight’s Abercrombie and Fitch robes and the poorly crafted story, no one’s performance exceeds sufficient. Accentuating the show’s general blandness is that no environment seems real. Everything looks like a set on a soundstage. Yet, most of these weaknesses could be overlooked if the fight photography and story structure weren’t so hackneyed. The fight choreography is structurally fine, if uninspired and derivative, but its timing is sorely lacking. So far, the fights lack the crispness to excel past the practice stage. Instead, you can practically hear the performers counting the moves in their heads (step, 2, 3. block 2, 3. 1st position, 2, 3. etc.), and everything has a waltz-like metronome count feel as a result. Moreover, its filming leaves much to be desired. Each physical conflict consists of dozens of cuts spliced together in the editing bay, ostensibly to help overcome combatant deficiencies. Additionally, its many nods to the original Matrix only serve to contrast The Acolyte’s underwhelming offerings with the intense training that each of The Matrix performers went through to look believable and natural. Perhaps the show’s greatest flaw is its story structure. Scenes consist of what the show incorrectly contends are heated battles or harrowing adventure beats followed by long and unnecessary exposition dumps that take the characters to the next heated battle and consequent dump. Plot twists are ruler-straight, and tension never builds, thanks to poorly handled character development and worse logic. In fact, the show seems to have no internal logic. Characters perform actions to either clunkily set up later unnecessary scenes or because someone thought they would look cool (they don’t), and The Force is an inconsistent MacGuffin machine used to help the writers out of the many narrative corners they paint themselves into. However, unarguably, the show’s most illogical addition (the single worst change to canon since Greedo shooting first) is the handling of lightsabers. Responsible gun owners are fully aware that you never point a gun at something that you aren’t prepared to destroy, but not even the most responsible gun owner has The Force to direct their aim. Despite decades of canon to the contrary, these Jedi “never arm their lightsaber unless they are going to kill someone” (except when they inconsistently do just that in multiple scenes). It’s a show mechanic designed for the sole purpose of letting the not-fully-trained villain fight toe-to-toe using three-inch knives against Jedi Masters. A single severed arm would have ended the series in its first poorly handled three minutes. With rumors swirling that pronouns will soon be Star Wars canon and that this series exists to somehow literally make The Force female, The Acolyte, is on track to do what the Emperor and Darth Vader couldn’t: destroy the Star Wars universe. Kathleen Kennedy and her all-female team wearing The Force is Female t-shirts. WOKE ELEMENTS White Boys Must Be In A Different Galaxy, Even Further Away There must have been a mass migration of whities in the intervening 100 years between The Acolyte and Episode I because there are few in the background and even fewer in the foreground. In fact, between two different Jedi temples on two different worlds, there are only two white male Jedi in either of the first two episodes (that’s a lot of 2’s), and one is on screen for two (another one) or fewer minutes while the other has one line and ***SPOILER*** kills himself rather than reveal a dark secret ***END SPOILER*** All The Single Ladies Kathleen didn’t put a chick in it and make it lame. She put all of the chicks in it. If you’re tired of three-foot-tall gal superheroes, you’d better watch something else. The Acolyte has been ratioed. On multiple occasions, the girl padawan, who is on her first mission, exhibits more maturity, composure, and wisdom than her full male Jedi Knight counterpart. Evil Moptop exhibits all the menace and rage of your average sofa cushion. She’s not a terrible actress, but her Noxima commercial-clear skin, generally soft features (not fat or anything—just soft—as a lady should be ;), and 5′ 3″ stature (the actress’s actual height) do not scream Dark Lord, and nothing in the script helps overcome the deficit. Instead, she’s your run-of-the-mill girl boss with unearned power and a chip on her shoulder. Good Moptop is nearly as underwhelming. Nothing about her looks hard or worn or suggests any life struggles. The Fatside of The Force The brave showrunners of Star Wars: The Acolyte have broken through the glass floorboards and given Star Wars fans the world over exactly what they’ve always wanted and needed to feel seen and safe and represented and equal and heard. I give you Obese Wanton Cannoli, Fatawan of the Jedi Order. Fatawan Obese Wanton Cannoli