WASHINGTON, DC—The FBI announced today that conservative firebrand Charlie Kirk was assassinated with none other than the infamous “Magic Bullet” from the 1963 JFK assassination—a projectile that has reportedly been zipping through the skies for 62 years. The bullet, known for its physics-mocking path through Dealey Plaza, chose Kirk’s speech at Utah Valley University as its final stop, leaving authorities and attendees grappling with a new chapter in ballistic absurdity.

The FBI confirmed the bullet, last seen defying gravity in Dallas, tore through Kirk’s event at UVU’s UCCU Center, weaving past a “Free Speech Is Great Speech” banner, a student’s iced coffee, and a rogue frisbee before striking the Turning Point USA founder mid-rant. “It’s unmistakably the Kennedy bullet,” said FBI Director Kash Patel said, holding up a photo of the still-gleaming projectile. “It’s been flying since ’63, ignoring aerodynamics like it’s above the law. We’re just relieved it finally landed.”

Witnesses described the scene as “like a conspiracy podcast come to life.” UVU sophomore Jake Tanner said, “Charlie was going off about cancel culture when this shiny streak just pirouetted through the room, did a barrel roll, and got him. It was like the bullet had a degree in choreography.” The projectile reportedly paused to catch the stage lights before embedding itself in a lecture hall podium, ending its six-decade flight with a flourish.

Experts are at a loss. “This bullet’s been airborne longer than most airlines,” said Dr. Lena Trajectory, a ballistics expert at BYU. “It’s like it’s been cruising the jet stream, picking its moment. Newton’s laws? It sent them a resignation letter.” Dr. Trajectory noted the bullet’s pristine condition, speculating it may have “hitched a ride on some interdimensional tailwind” during its 62-year jaunt.

Kirk’s supporters are demanding a federal investigation into how a bullet could joyride undetected for decades, while detractors see grim irony in a polarizing figure being felled by a literal artifact of division. “It’s like the bullet read his X posts and took it personally,” said pundit Sam Eagle, glancing nervously at the sky.

The FBI has no leads on how the bullet sustained its flight, with Agent Mulder muttering about “quantum shenanigans” and “cosmic grudges.” The bullet, now under armed guard at an undisclosed facility, is being studied for clues, though analysts fear it might “get antsy.” Utah authorities are advising students to avoid open quads, just in case.

As America digests this surreal saga, the Magic Bullet’s 62-year skyward spree has redefined “taking a shot.” Whether it’s a freak of physics, a shadowy plot, or a projectile with a flair for drama, Charlie Kirk’s final UVU speech ensures the bullet’s legend will keep flying—metaphorically, at least.

No further updates. The FBI urges anyone spotting suspiciously agile ammunition to report it, preferably with a physics textbook in hand.

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