UK—UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer has announced a sweeping new policy to “defend the sacred principle of free speech” by ordering the immediate arrest of anyone who claims it doesn’t exist in the UK. The initiative, unveiled during a press conference in which Starmer repeatedly stressed the UK’s “world-leading commitment to open discourse,” has been hailed by supporters as a masterstroke in irony and condemned by critics as, well, exactly what they’ve been saying all along.

The policy, dubbed the “Freedom of Speech Protection Act (No, Really, We Mean It),” mandates that anyone caught suggesting—whether in pub conversations, X posts, or passive-aggressive letters to The Guardian—that the UK stifles free expression will face up to six months in prison or a fine equivalent to the cost of a London pint (roughly £8,000). “We cannot allow dangerous misinformation to undermine our vibrant democracy,” Starmer declared, flanked by a dozen police officers in riot gear for emphasis. “If you say there’s no free speech, you’re abusing your free speech, and we’ll lock you up to prove you wrong.”

The announcement has sparked a predictable flurry of reactions. Civil liberties groups have pointed out the obvious paradox, with one spokesperson noting, “It’s like proving you’re not a dictator by executing anyone who calls you one.” Meanwhile, the Metropolitan Police have expressed enthusiasm for the plan, citing their extensive experience in kettling protesters and monitoring social media for problematic memes. “We’re ready to protect free speech by silencing anyone who questions it,” said a Met spokesperson, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being arrested.

Starmer’s defenders argue the policy is a necessary response to “divisive rhetoric.” A Labour spokesperson explained, “The Prime Minister is simply ensuring that the UK’s reputation as a bastion of free expression remains untarnished. If we have to arrest a few thousand people to make that point, so be it.” The spokesperson then paused to check their notes, adding, “Also, please don’t quote me on that, or I’ll be nicked.”

Critics, however, are less convinced. “This is peak Starmer,” sighed one opposition MP, who requested anonymity to avoid a dawn raid. “He’s so determined to prove he’s not running a nanny state that he’s created a police state to enforce it.” Others have pointed out the logistical challenges, with prisons already at capacity and courts struggling to process cases of “thoughtcrime-adjacent” offenses. One judge, speaking off the record, admitted, “I’m not sure how I’m supposed to sentence someone for saying they can’t say something. It’s giving me a headache.”

As the policy rolls out, Starmer remains defiant, insisting the UK’s commitment to free speech is “non-negotiable.” In a follow-up statement, he announced plans to expand the initiative, including mandatory reeducation seminars for offenders, where they’ll be taught to appreciate their freedoms by reciting the Human Rights Act under supervision. “We’re not silencing anyone,” Starmer clarified. “We’re just ensuring they express the right kind of free speech.”

In the meantime, the British public is left navigating a new reality where saying you can’t say something might land you in the nick faster than you can say “Orwellian.” But fear not: as one government minister cheerfully put it, “You’re free to say whatever you want—as long as it’s not about how you’re not free to say whatever you want.” Long live liberty.

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