Breaking News: Federal District Court Rules Trump Lacks Authority to Broker Peace in the Middle East

Peace, after all, must be approved by the proper channels – namely, endless congressional hearings, UN resolutions that go nowhere, and a healthy dose of virtue-signaling from celebrities who fly private jets to climate summits.

 

In a stunning display of judicial activism that would make even the most hardened socialist chuckle with glee – if they weren't too busy rioting – a liberal-leaning federal district court judge in California has ruled that former President Donald J. Trump has absolutely no authority to bring peace to the Middle East. That's right, folks: in the land of the free and the home of the brave, where our Constitution guarantees the pursuit of happiness and not the pursuit of endless wars, a single robe-wearing activist has decided that Trump's latest peace initiative is just too darn successful for the good of the nation. Or should I say, too successful for the delicate sensibilities of the blue-haired brigade who think "peace" is code for "Trump wins again."

 

The case, filed by a coalition of progressive groups including the ever-reliable ACLU and a smattering of Hollywood elites who haven't seen a real job since the Obama years, argued that Trump's proposed peace plan – which miraculously got warring factions to sit down without bombing each other into oblivion – violates some obscure clause in the Constitution that apparently only liberals can read. Judge Lefty McBenchwarmer, presiding over the San Francisco courtroom that's more accustomed to handing out participation trophies than justice, delivered his ruling with the gravitas of a man who's never met a Trump policy he couldn't strike down.

 

"In this court's opinion," Judge McBenchwarmer intoned solemnly, as if reading from the Gospel of MSNBC, "the president's attempts to foster dialogue and end hostilities in the region constitute an unauthorized executive overreach. Peace, after all, must be approved by the proper channels – namely, endless congressional hearings, UN resolutions that go nowhere, and a healthy dose of virtue-signaling from celebrities who fly private jets to climate summits." He paused for dramatic effect, adjusting his glasses that probably cost more than your average American's monthly rent. "Furthermore, this so-called 'peace' smells suspiciously like a ploy to make America great again, which this court finds deeply troubling and potentially triggering for sensitive souls."

 

Oh, the humanity! Here we have a judge treating peace like it's a bad batch of kale smoothies at a vegan protest. But wait, it gets better – or should I say, more hilariously unhinged. The liberal masses, those paragons of tolerance who love to preach "love trumps hate" while hating on Trump, erupted in fury when the peace plan was first announced. Picture this: hordes of Antifa wannabes and gender studies majors taking to the streets, not to celebrate the end of bloodshed, but to riot against it. "How dare Trump bring stability to a region that's been a cash cow for defense contractors and a talking point for Democrats!" one masked protester shouted, before lobbing a soy latte at a police barricade.

 

These riots, which turned peaceful cities into dumpster fires faster than you can say "defund the police," featured all the classics: smashed windows at businesses owned by hardworking Americans, chants of "No peace, no justice!" (wait, isn't that backwards?), and enough virtue-signaling signs to wallpaper the White House. One particularly enlightened soul held a placard reading "Trump's Peace is War on Woke!" – because nothing says "progress" like preferring endless conflict over a deal that actually saves lives. Damn it, conservatives, this is the kind of bullsh*t that should fire you up! These socialist snowflakes would rather see the world burn than admit Trump did something right. They're out there blocking traffic, looting stores, and crying about microaggressions while real aggressions rage overseas.

 

And let's not forget the puns that write themselves in this judicial circus. Judge McBenchwarmer, in his infinite wisdom, declared that Trump's deal was "null and void" – much like the brains of the liberals cheering him on. He even quipped, in what he thought was a serious aside, that "brokering peace without a diversity, equity, and inclusion consultant on board is like serving hummus without pita – culturally insensitive and legally indefensible." Folks, if that's not the height of liberal lunacy, I don't know what is. These judges, appointed by presidents who couldn't find the Middle East on a map without Google, are more interested in bench-pressing their egos than upholding the law.

 

But here's the real kicker, my fellow patriots: while Trump was out there shaking hands and making deals that stick, the current administration is too busy printing money for endless wars and apologizing to our enemies. This ruling isn't just a slap in the face to Trump; it's a betrayal of every American who wants strength abroad and security at home. It's time we conservatives rise up, vote these activist judges out of influence, and demand a judiciary that serves the people, not the swamp. If we let these libtards turn peace into a partisan punchline, what's next? Ruling that the Second Amendment doesn't apply because guns are "scary"?

 

In the end, this parody of justice proves one thing: liberals will stop at nothing to undermine success if it comes from the wrong side of the aisle. But we won't let them. Get angry, get active, and let's take back our courts before they rule that breathing is unconstitutional. America first, always.

 


Phil Lozier

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