The Babylon Bee – that erstwhile beacon of evangelical eye-rolls – has officially shed its insectile moniker for The MaccaBees, a nod to the ancient Jewish rebels who oiled up a menorah and flipped off Seleucid overlords. The pivot, insiders whisper, is less about historical accuracy and more about cashing in on the Christian Zionist boom: because nothing says “end times prepper chic” like satire that’s 90% Deuteronomy and 10% dad jokes.

CEO Seth Dillon, looking every bit the part of a man who’s traded his fedora for a yarmulke emoji in his bio, broke the news via a solemn video announcement filmed against a backdrop of flickering LED candles and a suspiciously well-stocked bunker. “We’ve stung the culture wars long enough,” Dillon intoned, his voice gravelly from reciting Psalms backward. “Now, it’s time to hammer home the real message: Israel isn’t just a plot point in Revelation – it’s the punchline God’s been workshopping since Genesis. The MaccaBees will deliver Christian Zionist satire that’s biblically bulletproof, prophetically punchy, and utterly devoid of actual laughs.”

The relaunch couldn’t come at a more auspicious moment, what with global headlines screaming “apocalypse lite” and megachurch parking lots overflowing with Subaru Outbacks sporting “Pray for the Peace of Jerusalem” bumper stickers (right next to “Coexist… But Make It Zionist”). Under the new masthead, expect a content diet heavy on Maccabean militancy meets millennial messianism. Sample headlines, leaked from what was once the “Humor Department” but is now called the “Prophetic Punch Card,” include:

• “Hamas Rockets Miss Target: Divine Iron Dome or Just Bad Aim? We Consult Ezekiel 38 for the Weather Report” (A 2,000-word exegesis complete with satellite imagery and a sidebar on why locusts make lousy delivery drones.)
• “Evangelicals Flock to Jerusalem: ‘We’re Here for the Prophecy Tour – And the Free Samples at the Wailing Wall Souvenir Shop'” (Featuring testimonials from tourists who mistook the Dome of the Rock for a really ambitious Slip ‘N Slide.)
• “Jesus Returns? Nah, But Netanyahu’s New Haircut Signals the Antichrist’s Salon Appointment” (Spoiler: It’s a metaphor for spiritual renewal, padded with 17 verses on end-times grooming standards.)

Not all are buzzing with approval. Kyle Mann, the site’s erstwhile Editor-in-Chief – who was demoted to “Chief Dreidel Spinner” – penned a farewell column that’s equal parts resignation letter and cry for help. “We used to mock the absurdities of wokeness with headlines like ‘Man Identifies as Attack Helicopter, Gets Grounded by FAA.’ Now? It’s all ‘Why the EU’s a Modern-Day Antiochus: A Floral Tribute to Floral Tribute to Failed Empires.’ I’ve got whiplash from all the whys and wherefores – and that’s before the mandatory Torah study happy hours.”

The name change has its boosters, naturally. John Hagee, the silver-haired oracle of the airwaves, hailed it as “a Maccabean miracle in media form.” In a statement delivered via carrier pigeon (for authenticity), Hagee gushed: “Finally, satire with a spine – and a sufganiyah! The Bee always had a sting of truth; now it’s got the sword of Judah Maccabee. Expect our donations to rise like yeast in forbidden dough.” (Hagee later clarified that the pigeon was actually a drone, but “drones are in Ezekiel too, right? Chapter… uh, 39?”)

Logistics for the transition have been, shall we say, oil-slick smooth. The domain maccabees.com was snapped up faster than manna at a Black Friday sale, though it required evicting a holdover site peddling “Kosher Kilt Rentals for Scottish Jews.” Staffers have been issued ceremonial hammers (for “smashing idols, metaphorically”) and a crash course in Aramaic puns, while the office vending machine now stocks only Manischewitz and beef jerky certified “Zionist-sourced.” And in a touch of ironic genius, all future articles will bear the watermark: “Not Satire – Or If It Is, Blame the Prophets.”

As The MaccaBees lights its first digital menorah this Hanukkah, one prophetic truth emerges from the schmaltz: in the grand bazaar of belief, humor is the first casualty of conviction. The site’s old fans may mourn the loss of their irreverent insect, but hey – at least now the jokes come with a side of salvation. Or brisket. Whichever sustains you through the tribulation.

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