PARIS (GT) – In a result that has left German sports psychologists quietly scheduling emergency sessions, an unheralded 23-year-old from Utrecht named Floor van der Meer has claimed gold in the Gen Z Olympics’ 200-meter Doomscroll Sprint by treating the entire concept of human emotion as an optional DLC pack she never installed.

Lena Weber of Germany, the pre-event favorite who once stared down a 47-tweet thread about her own funeral costs without flinching, appeared headed for a comfortable victory. Her feed served pure concentrated despair: ex’s engagement photos in the exact Santorini villa she had saved to a private board titled “future,” a pregnancy announcement from the friend who swore she was “never doing kids,” and an influencer doing Pilates at sunrise while announcing her husband just paid cash for a second home in Bali. Weber scrolled with the serene indifference of a woman reading the ingredients on a yogurt lid.

Commentators had already begun engraving her name on the moral-victory trophy when, at the 4:11 mark, the Dutch athlete in lane seven—who until this moment had registered as “literally just some girl on a mattress”—quietly activated god mode.

Van der Meer’s algorithm, sensing German levels of detachment, panicked and threw the nuclear option: a private Story from her situationship of two years captioned “finally introducing her to mom :)” with a tagged blonde who was definitely not Floor. Most mortals would have spiraled, screenshotted, or at minimum exhaled audibly. Van der Meer simply cycled to the next Story (her own mother asking why she never answers) and kept scrolling at a leisurely 2.9 swipes per second, the digital equivalent of sipping an iced oat-milk latte while the world burns.

The arena fell into stunned silence as Floor’s thumb continued its relaxed, almost bored rhythm past:

• A bridal boutique try-on reel set to Lana Del Rey with the exact dress she had bookmarked in 2022
• A golden-retriever puppy being handed to a newborn with the caption “big brother duties”
• A push notification that her ex’s new girlfriend just followed her finsta

Zero micro-expressions. Zero heart-rate spike. Not even the faint nostril flare that disqualified the Swiss contestant in the semis.

At 4:51.8, while Weber was still mechanically processing a video of her former friend group on a girls’ trip she was very much not invited to, Floor van der Meer reached the finish line, closed the app with the same energy one uses to end a weather forecast, and rolled over for a nap.

Final times:

Gold – Netherlands – 4:51.8 (new world record in “whatever, man”)

Silver – Germany – 4:52.0 (visibly reevaluating life choices)

Bronze – Japan – 4:49.2 (disqualified for whispering “naruhodo” under breath)

Post-race, van der Meer gave a brief statement in perfect deadpan Dutch: “Leuk dat ik gewonnen heb, maar ik moet eigenlijk nog een tentamen inhalen.”

(Translation: “Nice that I won, but I still have to catch up on an exam.”)

German coaches have lodged an official protest claiming “excessive levels of Dutch chill constitute an unfair performance enhancer.” The appeal was rejected after judges confirmed that pathological nonchalance is, in fact, an officially recognized national resource under EU renewable-energy directives.

The medal ceremony has been postponed until organizers can locate a playlist that is emotionally affecting to literally no one.

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