VATICAN CITY – In a surprise move that has left both Middle-earth scholars and the College of Cardinals reaching for the smelling salts, Pope Leo XIV declared yesterday that “Orcs and Hobbits are called to walk together in dialogue, mutual enrichment, and shared meals (preferably not of each other).”

Speaking from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica beneath a banner reading “No Orc Left Behind,” the Holy Father insisted that the traditional view of Orcs as “irredeemable servants of darkness who literally breed in mud and enjoy flaying prisoners” is “a harmful stereotype rooted in Western Shire-centric bias.”

“Many Orcs,” the Pope explained, “come from broken pits. Absent father figures (usually a Dark Lord), systemic oppression by Elves who keep hogging the best forests, and a lack of access to quality lembas have created cycles of violence we must break with encounter, not swords.”

When asked by reporters about the Sack of Minas Tirith, the centuries-long slave economy of Mordor, and the small detail that Orcs celebrate their holidays by nailing people to trees, the pontiff waved a dismissive hand. “These are complex socio-political realities. We cannot reduce an entire species to its worst Google results. Besides, I have met some very polite Uruk-hai at interfaith potlucks. One even used a napkin.”

The document, entitled Fratres Omnes (Etiam Bestiae Nigrae), calls for:

• Immediate closure of all “discriminatory” Ranger outposts along the Anduin.
• Mandatory diversity training for all citizens of Gondor, with safe spaces for Orcs to express their lived experience of being on the receiving end of Aragorn’s boot.
• A Synod on Mordorian Synods, to be held in 2027, where Orc shamans and Hobbit gardeners will co-chair working groups on “restorative justice” and “why maybe don’t eat the prisoners next time.”

Progressive theologians hailed the statement as “prophetic.” Sister Galadriel-Moonflower O.P., director of the Pontifical Council for Inclusive Necromancy, gushed, “Finally the Church is listening to marginalized voices—especially the ones that sound like gravel gargling broken glass.”

Traditionalists were somewhat less enthusiastic. Cardinal Raymond of the Shire (elevated last year for his collection of antique pipe-weed) muttered, “Next he’ll baptize Sauron and give him a radio show.” When reached for comment, the Dark Lord himself issued a brief statement through his press office in Barad-dûr: “Appreciated, but we’re still planning to enslave everyone. Just FYI.”

In a touching gesture of reconciliation, the Vatican announced it will air-drop 10,000 copies of the new letter into Mordor, printed on edible rice paper “so our Orc brothers and sisters can literally consume the Word of God.”

Hobbit reaction in Bywater was muted. One local, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was holding a frying pan, said: “I’m all for peace, but if that tall hat-man thinks I’m inviting Grishnákh round for second breakfast, he can sod off back to Rome.”

The Pope concluded his address by beatifying Frodo Baggins retroactively (“a martyr for dialogue”) and announcing a new commission to study whether the One Ring was, in fact, merely a “culturally significant piece of jewelry that got a bad rap.”

When pressed on whether the Church would also call for dialogue with dragons, balrogs, and shelf-stable trolls, a Vatican spokesman clarified: “Baby steps. We’re starting with the misunderstood ones first.”

Sources close to the Holy Father say he is already preparing a follow-up exhortation tentatively titled Amoris Laetitia: On the Accompaniment of Shelob in Irregular Web Situations.

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