WASHINGTON, DC—Dozens of activists gathered on the National Mall today to protest the newly released Dietary Guidelines for Americans, 2025-2030, which feature an inverted food pyramid prioritizing protein, dairy, and healthy fats over refined grains and processed foods.

Organized under the banner “Hands Off Our High-Fructose Corn Syrup,” participants staged what they called a “processed-carbs sit-in marathon,” sitting cross-legged in circles while consuming large quantities of donuts, chips, soda, and breakfast cereals to demonstrate the alleged health benefits of the previous guidelines’ emphasis on grain-based diets.

“This is about bodily autonomy,” said spokesperson Ashley Bernstein, 29, between bites of a powdered donut. “The government has no right to tell us that ultra-processed foods are bad just because they’re linked to obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. Science is supposed to follow the consensus, and the consensus is that Lucky Charms are part of a balanced breakfast, dammit.”

Protesters chanted slogans such as “No justice, no peas!” and “Grains are gains!” while sharing family-sized bags of cheese puffs. Several participants reported feeling “energized” after several hours, though emergency medical personnel on standby treated three individuals for sugar crashes and one for a mild caffeine overdose from energy drinks.

The demonstration comes one day after Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. unveiled the updated guidelines, which revive the food pyramid format but invert it to place whole foods at the base of daily intake recommendations.

Critics of the new guidelines argue they represent a dangerous departure from decades of advice promoting carbohydrates as the foundation of a healthy diet. “If we follow this, what next? Telling people trans fats aren’t health food?” said one protester, who declined to be named.

By late afternoon, the sit-in had devolved into naps for many participants, with organizers declaring the event a success in proving that “anyone can sustain a high-carb lifestyle for at least six hours without immediate collapse.”

Police reported no arrests, though several bags of evidence—empty chip containers—were collected for disposal.

The Department of Health and Human Services declined to comment on the protest, stating only that the guidelines remain available at realfood.gov for those interested in evidence-based nutrition.

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