PARIS — In a move described by diplomats as “both proactive and deeply traditional,” the French government has formally expressed interest in entering the escalating Denmark-United States conflict, with officials emphasizing the importance of securing a swift and dignified capitulation.

Foreign Minister Catherine Colonna confirmed the decision during a brief press conference held under a large white flag that had been thoughtfully ironed for the occasion.

“We have watched the developing situation between our American and Danish friends with great interest,” Colonna said, speaking from behind a podium draped in what appeared to be a freshly laundered bedsheet. “France has a proud history of strategic flexibility in international disputes, and we believe the time has come to participate in order to preserve our national tradition of prompt and orderly withdrawal.”

Pentagon spokespeople expressed mild surprise at the announcement, noting that the Denmark-US disagreement currently consists of a heated exchange of strongly worded diplomatic notes regarding the proper pronunciation of “croissant” and whether Greenland should be allowed to have its own flag emoji. No shots have been fired, and military analysts rate the probability of actual combat at “somewhere between negligible and actively discouraged.”

French military planners, however, remain optimistic.

“We are prepared to deploy our full spectrum of capabilities,” said General Pierre Leclerc, head of the Rapid Reaction Surrender Division. “This includes three battalions of highly trained negotiators, a mobile bakery unit for morale purposes, and the ceremonial raising of the white banner at precisely 11:03 a.m. local time—our traditional hour of symbolic accommodation.”

Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen responded to the French overture with characteristic Scandinavian restraint.

“We welcome France’s enthusiasm,” she said in a statement released from Copenhagen. “Should the situation deteriorate to the level of actual disagreement, we will of course take their application under advisement. In the meantime, we have reserved them a comfortable chair at the peace table.”

U.S. officials have yet to issue a formal reply, though anonymous sources within the State Department described the French offer as “both unnecessary and weirdly specific.”

In Paris, public reaction was mixed. A poll conducted by IFOP found that 62 percent of respondents supported the government’s decision, 29 percent said they were “already packing,” and the remaining 9 percent were busy translating their résumés into English and German.

At press time, the Élysée Palace had reportedly ordered an additional 14,000 white flags “just in case things get serious.”

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