Washington, D.C. – In what organizers are calling a “bold step toward inclusive justice,” top Democrats hosted a star-studded “No One Is Above the Law” rally this weekend, complete with inspirational speeches, rainbow flags, and a special giveaway station handing out freshly laminated fake Social Security cards to undocumented attendees.

“Equality means everyone gets a shot at the American Dream – paperwork optional!” declared Senator Progressive Virtue (D-Utopia) from the main stage, as volunteers in matching “Justice Without Borders” T-shirts distributed the glossy cards emblazoned with realistic-looking numbers, holographic seals, and the fine print disclaimer: “Not valid for anything except maybe opening a bank account or applying for benefits we swear we’re not funding.”

The event, billed as a defense of the rule of law amid ongoing political tensions, featured a lineup of speakers who took turns condemning lawlessness – particularly when it involves political opponents – while cheerfully welcoming new community members who’d bypassed the usual immigration formalities. “No one is above the law,” thundered one keynote orator, pausing only to high-five a line of recipients clutching their new identity documents. “That’s why we’re making sure our friends here can thrive without the burden of outdated rules written by, frankly, less compassionate generations.”

Attendees reportedly received the cards along with welcome packets including debit cards pre-loaded with taxpayer funds, housing vouchers, and a complimentary “Pathway to Equity” map that conveniently skipped the citizenship line. “It’s not fraud if it’s compassionate,” explained a party spokesperson, who requested anonymity to avoid awkward questions about federal statutes. “These aren’t ‘fake’ cards – they’re aspirational numbers. Think of them as starter SSNs for future voters who just need a little head start.”

Critics – mostly from the reality-based community – called the optics “peak performance art.” “One hand waves the ‘no one is above the law’ flag while the other prints counterfeit credentials for people who literally broke the law to get here,” noted one observer. “It’s like hosting a ‘Don’t Do Drugs’ seminar and passing out free samples at the door.”

Undeterred, rally organizers doubled down. “This is about dignity and second chances,” insisted Representative Equity Evergreen (D-Evergreen State). “If we enforced every law equally, who’d mow our lawns, cook our food, or – hypothetically – tip the scales in close elections? Besides, real fraud is when billionaires pay accountants. This is just paperwork equity.”

As the crowd chanted “No one above the law!” in perfect unison, a small group of newly documented participants could be seen practicing their signatures on the cards. In the background, a giant LED screen looped footage of past prosecutions against high-profile figures who dared question the party’s immigration vision.

The event wrapped with fireworks and a closing prayer: “May we continue to hold the powerful accountable – unless they’re crossing deserts for a better life, in which case, welcome aboard and here’s your new number.”

Democrats say similar “empowerment fairs” are planned in swing states throughout the year. Tickets are free, but RSVPs require only enthusiasm and zero identification.

About Author