Washington, D.C. – In a move described by White House officials as “the art of the deal on a continental scale,” President Donald Trump announced this afternoon that he has successfully resolved the weeks-long immigration enforcement standoff in Minnesota by trading the city of Minneapolis – lock, stock, and progressive potholes – to Canada in exchange for the province of Alberta.

The agreement, finalized during a brief phone call with Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney and Alberta Premier Danielle Smith (who reportedly joined mid-conversation after overhearing the discussion), ends months of tension following multiple fatal shootings involving federal agents in Minneapolis. Sources say the breakthrough came when Trump, reviewing maps of North America during a late-night Truth Social session, noticed that Alberta’s oil fields and conservative leanings made it “a much better fit for MAGA than a city that elects people who chant ‘defund’ while federal officers are trying to do their jobs.”

The proposal was suggested almost as a joke by former Virginia Representative Nick Freitas but Trump said it was a good idea.

“Minneapolis was a beautiful city, tremendous people – some of the best, really – but let’s be honest, it wasn’t working out,” Trump told reporters outside the Oval Office. “Too much chaos, too many protests, too many mayors telling ICE to stand down. Alberta? Fantastic. Oil, beef, mountains, and they actually like pipelines. It’s going to be huge. We’re making America greater by making it slightly smaller, temporarily.”

Under the terms of the swap – which legal scholars are still frantically researching in dusty copies of the Treaty of 1818 – Minneapolis and its surrounding metropolitan area will be annexed by Canada as a new province tentatively named “Minnetoba.” In return, Alberta will be admitted to the United States as the 51st state, complete with its existing oil sands, rodeos, and residents who have reportedly been waving American flags at separatist rallies for months anyway.

Trump was also able to negotiate Saskatchewan and Manitoba away from Canada in exchange for the communist hellholes of Seattle and Portland.

Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, reached for comment while packing snow shovels, called the deal “unexpected but perhaps mutually beneficial.” “We’ve been saying for weeks that federal overreach doesn’t belong here,” Walz said. “If handing over Minneapolis gets ICE out and gives us a direct line to better hockey teams, I’m willing to consider it a win. Plus, Alberta gets Tim Hortons now – everyone’s happy.”

Canadian officials expressed cautious optimism. Prime Minister Carney noted that acquiring Minneapolis would provide Canada with “a ready-made supply of passionate activists and craft breweries,” while Alberta’s departure would simplify national debates over carbon taxes and pipelines. “We’re getting a city famous for nice people and Prince,” Carney said. “They’re getting a province that already flies the Stars and Stripes at half its truck stops. Seems fair.”

White House border czar Tom Homan, who had been overseeing operations in Minneapolis until agents were quietly redeployed northward, praised the resolution. “No more standoffs, no more headlines about nurses getting shot in scuffles,” Homan said. “Now we can focus on the real border – the one that’s about to include Calgary.”

Market reaction was swift: U.S. oil futures jumped 8% on news of Alberta’s annexation, while Canadian maple syrup prices dipped slightly amid fears of an influx of “Minnesota nice” politeness diluting national sarcasm levels.

The transfer is set to take effect immediately, pending congressional approval (expected via a voice vote during lunch recess) and a quick constitutional amendment to allow land swaps “when both sides are tired of arguing.” Residents of Minneapolis will receive Canadian citizenship packets in the mail, along with complimentary apologies and hockey sticks. Albertans, meanwhile, are invited to apply for U.S. statehood benefits, including the right to complain about federal government while receiving federal subsidies.

In a closing statement, President Trump summed up the historic deal: “I ended the Minnesota problem the way I end all problems – with a tremendous negotiation. No shots fired this time. Just borders moved. Beautiful.”

Canada and the United States have scheduled a joint flag-raising ceremony in what was formerly Minneapolis City Hall, now rebranded as “Polite Plaza.” Attendance is mandatory for former protesters, who will be issued new signs reading “Sorry for the Inconvenience.”

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