Washington, D.C. – In a bold escalation of rhetorical force, Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-SD) today solemnly pledged to unleash a barrage of strongly worded letters condemning the federal government’s ongoing failure to “actually do something for the American people”—with action tentatively scheduled for delivery in approximately two weeks.

Speaking from the Senate floor in measured, statesmanlike tones that suggested he had rehearsed the sentence in front of a mirror for maximum gravitas, Thune declared, “The time for half-measures is over. The American people deserve more than platitudes. They deserve letters. Firm ones. Possibly on official letterhead. And I intend to write several.”

Sources close to the senator’s office confirmed that preparations are already underway. Staffers have been instructed to sharpen pencils, stock up on premium 24-pound bond paper, and practice variations of the phrase “deeply concerned” in escalating font sizes. One aide, speaking on condition of anonymity because they still hope to receive a holiday bonus, described the drafting process as “intense.”

“We’re looking at a multi-paragraph structure,” the aide explained. “Opening with grave disappointment, moving into pointed disappointment, then closing with profound disappointment tempered by cautious optimism that future letters may follow if circumstances warrant.”

Thune’s announcement comes amid mounting pressure from constituents who have grown weary of decades of vague promises, symbolic votes, and occasional stern floor speeches delivered to mostly empty chambers. Polling shows that 68% of Americans now rank “receiving a strongly worded letter from their senator” just behind “universal healthcare” and slightly ahead of “free parking at national monuments” on their list of most-desired government deliverables.

Critics, however, questioned the timeline. “Two weeks?” asked one exasperated voter in Sioux Falls. “That’s practically warp speed for Congress. Usually these things take a blue-ribbon commission, three filibusters, and at least one recess to ponder the implications.”

Undeterred, Thune emphasized the letters’ potential historic impact. “These will not be form letters,” he insisted. “Each one will be personalized—well, at least the salutation will say ‘Dear Congressman X’ instead of ‘To Whom It May Concern.’ That’s the kind of bold leadership the moment demands.”

A draft leaked to reporters reportedly begins: “It has come to my attention that many hardworking Americans continue to face challenges. This is unacceptable. I am writing to express my unequivocal view that someone really ought to address these matters with appropriate urgency.”

The senator concluded his remarks by vowing to follow up—if necessary—with an additional round of letters in the fall, possibly accompanied by a press release announcing that the original letters had been sent.

Congressional historians note that strongly worded letters have a storied pedigree in American governance, dating back to the 1790s when members of the House routinely dispatched missives containing phrases like “I must protest most vigorously” before adjourning for the season.

At press time, Thune was reportedly still deciding between Times New Roman and Garamond for maximum sobering effect.

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