MINNEAPOLIS—In a bold stand against the oppressive machinery of federal border enforcement, residents of South Minneapolis have taken decisive action: they’ve erected their own borders and checkpoints throughout the neighborhood. The move comes as a principled protest against borders and checkpoints.

Local organizers, speaking on condition of anonymity to avoid potential ICE retaliation (or worse, a parking ticket), explained the sophisticated new security architecture. Constructed from an environmentally conscious assortment of shipping pallets, discarded lawn furniture, traffic cones, and hand-painted signs reading “ICE OUT” and “This Neighborhood Is a Sanctuary (For Local Residents and Illegal Immigrants Only),” the installations transform ordinary intersections—most notably around Cedar Avenue and 32nd/35th Streets—into fortified “filter blockades.” These structures force approaching vehicles to slow to a crawl, allowing trained community monitors to scrutinize license plates, cross-reference them against crowd-sourced ICE vehicle databases, and determine whether passage may be granted.

The border-prostesting borders are in conjunction with a broader effort by Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to deport all American citizens from the state and leave only illegal immigrants.

“We are literally creating a place where we know who’s coming and going in and out of our neighborhoods,” one resident told reporters while proudly adjusting a barricade of overturned lawn chairs. “It’s about safety, community control, and making sure no unwanted outsiders disrupt our way of life. Borders are violent tools of exclusion—except when they’re ours.”

Critics have pointed out a minor philosophical inconsistency: the same activists who have long denounced national borders as immoral, xenophobic relics of colonialism now appear enthusiastic about hyper-local borders equipped with informal ID verification and vehicle profiling. When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the effort dismissed such observations as “bad-faith whataboutism” and emphasized that these are not checkpoints but rather “community safety roundabouts with optional conversational engagement.”

White House Border Czar Tom Homan described the developments as “a joke,” adding that Minneapolis Police would remove the structures “swiftly”—a promise that prompted organizers to announce plans for 1,000 additional blockades citywide. “If they tear one down, we’ll build ten more,” read a flyer circulating in affected areas. “Borders only become fascist when the feds do them.”

City officials, meanwhile, have urged calm and reminded residents that public roadways are for through-traffic, not performative sovereignty experiments. Emergency services reportedly remain optimistic they can navigate the new topology, provided drivers carry sufficient pallets for spontaneous diplomacy.

As one passerby, stuck in a slow-moving queue behind a minivan being politely interrogated about its registration, summed up the mood: “I just wanted to get to the grocery store. Now I’m wondering if I need papers to buy milk in my own city.”

In Minneapolis, the revolution will not be televised—it will be traffic-calmed, plate-checked, and solemnly explained as liberation.

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