WASHINGTON — With the latest batch of Jeffrey Epstein files revealing horrific crimes by world elites, Attorney General Pam Bondi has pivoted federal resources to the one clear and present danger still plaguing the nation: Americans who dare to keep pet squirrels in their homes.

At a press conference flanked by enlarged photos of acorn-strewn living rooms and suspiciously adorable Instagram reels, Bondi announced the formation of a special task force to pursue indictments against owners of pet squirrels nationwide—individuals she described as “engaging in reckless, unlicensed wildlife harboring that threatens public safety, backyard aesthetics, and the rule of law.”

“These so-called ‘squirrel parents’ think they can just rescue a baby rodent, post heartwarming videos, and call it a day,” Bondi declared, holding up a prop cage containing a single walnut for emphasis. “But in most states, owning a pet squirrel is illegal without permits that almost no one bothers to get. We’re talking felonies, folks—felonies with bushy tails and zero regard for wildlife regulations.”

The initiative draws direct inspiration from high-profile cases like that of P’Nut the Squirrel, the late internet sensation whose owner, Mark Longo, faced state seizure and euthanasia of the animal (along with companion raccoon Fred) after complaints triggered a raid. Longo and his partner have since filed multimillion-dollar lawsuits against New York authorities, alleging overreach, wrongful death, and an “obscene demonstration of government abuse.” Bondi, however, views the episode not as tragedy but as a blueprint.

“Look at what happened in New York,” she said. “One viral squirrel, one anonymous tip line call, and suddenly the whole country is outraged. We can’t let that distract from the real issue: these owners are breaking federal-interstate wildlife laws, potentially spreading disease, and—worst of all—creating martyrs that fuel anti-government sentiment. Under President Trump’s direction, the DOJ will hold them accountable before the next cute video goes mega-viral.”

Charges under consideration include violations of the Lacey Act (for unauthorized transport or possession of wildlife across state lines), conspiracy to harbor prohibited species, and “contributing to the delinquency of backyard birds” by allowing squirrels to raid feeders with impunity. Prosecutors are reportedly building cases against owners in states where pet squirrels remain outright banned—most of the country—while offering leniency to the handful of permissive jurisdictions like Arkansas or Oklahoma only if owners surrender their animals quietly.

Critics have pointed out the irony: while Epstein-related probes linger in bureaucratic limbo, federal agents are gearing up for dawn raids on suburban homes harboring rescued kits. Bondi dismissed such concerns. “The American people want action on threats they can see in their own backyards—not endless reviews of decades-old documents that everyone already knows about anyway. These squirrel owners have been operating in the shadows long enough. No more free passes for fuzzy felons or their enablers.”

Legal experts predict high conviction rates. “Squirrel owners rarely have the resources for lengthy appeals,” one analyst noted. “And unlike elite defendants, they can’t afford private jets to flee jurisdiction—though their pets might try hiding in attics.”

The Epstein file room, sources say, continues its dignified hibernation. Meanwhile, the DOJ’s new “Operation Nut Job” tip line is reportedly flooded with reports of suspiciously tame squirrels on porches nationwide. Indictments expected soon—right around the time acorns start dropping, for maximum seasonal impact. Owners are advised to delete their TikToks and prepare their alibis. The squirrels, of course, remain unavailable for comment.

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