In a groundbreaking move set to redefine both entertainment and animal husbandry, Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny has confirmed plans to sacrifice two live goats during his upcoming Super Bowl LX halftime performance, rebranded for the occasion as the “Super Baal Halftime Show.”

Sources close to the production—mostly unnamed stagehands who claim to have overheard whispers in catering—describe the segment as an “epic” fusion of reggaeton, ancient Canaanite ritual, and premium advertiser-friendly spectacle. The goats, reportedly named “Benito” and “Antonio” in a nod to the artist’s given name, will be led onto the Levi’s Stadium field midway through a medley of hits including “Tití Me Preguntó” and “Moscow Mule.” As pyrotechnics spell out “ICE OUT” in 30-foot flames, Bad Bunny will reportedly intone a chant in flawless Boricua Spanish before the ceremonial act, ensuring maximum cultural authenticity and minimal FCC fines.

“The halftime show has always been about pushing boundaries,” an NFL spokesperson explained in a carefully worded statement that avoided mentioning goats, Baal, or the phrase “viewer discretion is advised.” “Bad Bunny is bringing the same energy he showed when he told critics to learn Spanish in four months. This is just… more literal.”

Critics from across the political spectrum have weighed in with characteristic restraint. One prominent conservative commentator called the planned sacrifice “a disgusting display of pagan wokeness that disrespects America’s Judeo-Christian values—also, why only two goats? Inflation has hit ritual offerings hard.” Meanwhile, progressive voices praised the move as “a powerful statement against ICE, colonialism, and factory farming,” though some expressed concern that the goats might not receive proper union representation.

PETA issued a statement condemning the stunt as exploitative, while adding that they “remain open to dialogue if the goats are replaced with convincing CGI or, ideally, interpretive dance.” Apple Music, the official halftime sponsor, declined to comment but quietly updated its app description to include the new tagline: “Listen now—before the FCC does.”

Bad Bunny himself addressed the controversy during a recent press conference, staring directly into the camera for 17 uninterrupted seconds before saying only, “Es parte del show, cabrones. Deal with it.” He then dropped the mic, which—according to eyewitnesses—landed perfectly between the two goats’ horns in what insiders are already calling “the greatest foreshadowing in halftime history.”

As the nation braces for Sunday’s performance, one question lingers: Will the goats go viral, or will the whole thing be overshadowed by the inevitable post-show hot take threads asking why no one is talking about the real GOATs anymore?

Tune in—or don’t. Either way, history will be made, and two goats will not be watching from the sidelines.

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