WASHINGTON — In a passionate press conference held outside the Capitol today, leading Democrats sounded the alarm over the controversial Safeguard American Voter Eligibility (SAVE) Act, arguing that the Republican-backed measure poses an existential threat to one of America’s most cherished and enduring electoral traditions: the participation of the deceased.

“This is nothing short of Jim Crow 3.0 — or perhaps more accurately, Cemetery Crow,” declared Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), clutching what he described as “a stack of urgent telegrams from beyond the grave.” “For generations, our democracy has relied on the quiet but consistent support of millions of departed citizens. The SAVE Act’s draconian demand for documentary proof of citizenship — passports, birth certificates, that sort of thing — would slam the polling place door in the face of every ghost voter who has faithfully turned out since the days of wooden dentures.”

Party spokespeople emphasized that noncitizen voting is already vanishingly rare, with documented cases numbering somewhere between “basically zero” and “statistically indistinguishable from zero.” In contrast, the spectral bloc represents a vital demographic whose ballots have historically provided crucial margins in close races.

“These are Americans who have already paid their dues — literally, in estate taxes — and now Republicans want to erase them from the rolls just because they can’t produce a valid ID from 1873,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-N.Y.). “We’re talking about seniors who have been seniors for over a century. Rural voters who haven’t left their family plot in decades. Women who changed their names upon marriage… to ‘deceased.’ This bill doesn’t secure elections; it suppresses the incorporeal vote.”

Voting rights advocates pointed to sobering statistics: an estimated 21 million eligible living citizens lack ready access to citizenship documents, but the real crisis, they argued, lies in the graveyard. “Purging voter rolls of the departed would be catastrophic,” warned one Brennan Center analyst speaking on condition of anonymity to avoid being haunted. “In swing states alone, the zombie turnout could decide the presidency. We’ve seen it before — low-energy candidates suddenly surging when the cemeteries open early.”

Republicans, meanwhile, dismissed the concerns as hysterical. “The SAVE Act is about making sure only living, breathing American citizens vote,” said bill sponsor Rep. Chip Roy (R-Texas). “If you’re six feet under, maybe it’s time to sit this one out.”

Democrats remained undeterred. “We will fight this to the very end — and then a little bit beyond,” Schumer concluded. “Because in America, no voter should be told they’re too dead to make a difference.”

The SAVE Act passed the House along party lines earlier this week and now heads to the Senate, where sources say it remains “dead on arrival” — a phrase that, for once, appears to be meant literally.

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