LONDON—In a move described by royal watchers as “bold, innovative, and suspiciously timed,” Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, formerly known as Prince Andrew, has announced his immediate conversion to Islam, effective this morning. Sources close to the 66-year-old ex-royal confirm the decision came shortly after his arrest by Thames Valley Police on suspicion of misconduct in public office related to his past association with Jeffrey Epstein.

“I have long admired the faith’s emphasis on mercy, forgiveness, and starting fresh,” Mountbatten-Windsor said in a brief prepared statement released via his solicitor. “After deep personal reflection—mostly while being read my rights—I have chosen to embrace Islam. I now go by the name Abdullah bin York. Peace be upon me.”

Buckingham Palace, speaking on condition of not being quoted directly about anything anymore, issued a terse two-sentence response: “His Majesty notes the development with deepest concern. The King continues to support the authorities in ensuring a full, fair, and proper process—preferably one that does not involve further family headlines.”

Legal experts were quick to praise the strategic elegance of the conversion. Barrister Rupert Ponsonby-Smythe, KC, explained to reporters outside the High Court: “While no formal charges have yet been brought specifically for sexual abuse of minors—those remain in the realm of settled civil suits and public opinion—the timing is impeccable. Sharia principles, when selectively interpreted by a motivated barrister, can sometimes emphasise rehabilitation over retribution. It’s almost as if someone googled ‘get out of jail free cards ranked by religion’ and picked the top result.”

Metropolitan Police sources, speaking off the record because they were not authorised to speak at all, indicated that officers were “baffled but not entirely surprised.” One detective reportedly muttered, “We’ve seen royalty dodge worse by sweating on television. Converting mid-arrest is next-level.”

Abdullah bin York was last seen departing custody in a nondescript Vauxhall Astra, wearing what witnesses described as “a hastily acquired thobe over yesterday’s suit trousers.” He is believed to be en route to a private residence where he will begin what aides call a “period of quiet spiritual growth and vigorous legal correspondence.”

The Muslim Council of Britain declined to comment on the sincerity of the conversion but noted that “anyone is welcome to the faith, provided they complete the paperwork and stop giving us bad PR.”

Buckingham Palace has confirmed no halal menu changes are planned for future garden parties.

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