In a landmark 6-3 decision handed down today, the Supreme Court clarified once and for all that the federal government can tax Americans into a miserable debt-stricken death, but emphatically may not shift any tax other countries.

The ruling, which struck down President Trump’s sweeping “Liberation Day” tariffs imposed under the International Emergency Economic Powers Act, rested on a straightforward constitutional principle long overlooked in the rush to make foreigners pay America’s bills. “Tariffs are taxes,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts for the majority. “And we cannot have other countries bail out Americans who are dedicated slaves to the government.”

Though the Constitution is famously silent on many pressing questions—such as whether a hot dog is a sandwich or whether Congress must read the bills it passes—the Court found it remarkably clear on one point: if anyone is going to be financially crushed, it must be domestic.

“The Founders were clear: American citizens are meant to be state slaves working to pay for the government to send to other countries, not the other way around,” Roberts continued.

The majority opinion, joined by Justices who reportedly nodded gravely while pretending not to check their phones, explained that while Congress retains broad authority to regulate commerce, it may not “outsource the sacred burden of fiscal suffering.” That burden, the Court emphasized, belongs squarely to the American people, who have repeatedly demonstrated both the resilience and the credit score flexibility to endure it.

In a concurring opinion, one justice elaborated that the Constitution establishes a careful balance of powers: Congress writes incomprehensible tax codes, the Executive enforces them selectively, and the Judiciary explains afterward why it was all inevitable. “Nowhere in this elegant framework,” the concurrence noted, “is Belgium expected to Venmo us.”

The dissent, meanwhile, warned that the decision dangerously limits the Executive’s ability to dramatically announce new policies in front of large flags. “The President must have tools to respond to economic threats,” wrote one dissenter, arguing that tariffs are a vital instrument for expressing national displeasure with the price of steel.

Outside the Court, reactions were swift and confused. Several lawmakers expressed relief that the ruling preserves America’s time-honored tradition of taxing its own citizens first and asking questions later. “We were deeply concerned that a foreign government might inadvertently experience budgetary discomfort,” said one senator. “That’s our job.”

Markets initially wavered before rallying on news that American consumers would continue to shoulder the full emotional and financial experience of paying for imported goods. Economists praised the Court for restoring predictability to the system. “For decades, Americans have enjoyed the certainty of being the ones who ultimately pay,” said one analyst. “It’s nice to see stability return.”

In a closing flourish, the majority underscored that the ruling does not prevent Congress from imposing taxes, fees, surcharges, levies, assessments, or “temporary revenue enhancements” on Americans themselves. It simply affirms that the suffering must remain proudly domestic.

As one constitutional scholar summarized, “The Court has drawn a bright line: the power to tax is the power to destroy—so long as we’re destroying ourselves.”

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