COMPTON, CA – Governor Gavin Newsom concluded his long-running effort to connect authentically with urban communities Tuesday night by commandeering a matte-black Dodge Charger, loading a high-capacity magazine, and opening fire indiscriminately along several blocks of Rosecrans Avenue while declaring, “See? I’m just like y’all now!”

Aides say the governor had been “deep in study mode” for weeks, consuming a carefully curated diet of N.W.A lyrics, grainy WorldStar clips, and one viral TED Talk on “lived experience.” The result: a meticulously planned display of solidarity that involved driving at roughly 38 mph with the windows down, squeezing off rounds at random street signs, parked cars, and “whatever felt systemic,” all while maintaining unbroken eye contact with any bystander who didn’t immediately flee.

“I’ve been listening,” Newsom shouted over the gunfire and the blaring “Boyz-n-the-Hood” remix. “This is what community looks like! This is real talk! I even left my security detail three blocks back so we could keep it 100—no cap!”

Eyewitness accounts varied only in degree of disbelief.

“He pulled up blasting Eazy-E, leaned out, popped off maybe eight, nine shots, then yelled ‘We out here grindin’!’ like he just discovered Hot Cheetos,” said local resident Marcus Tate, 34, who recorded the incident while taking cover behind a mailbox. “Man thought he was dropping bars. He was dropping shell casings. Big difference.”

Another resident, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the governor pausing at a stop sign to reload while explaining his thought process to a group of teenagers filming on their phones.

“He goes, ‘Y’all see this? This right here is allyship on sight. I’m not performing—I’m participating. We the same tribe now.’ Then he mag-dumped into a billboard for a payday-loan place. Real poetic.”

Newsom’s communications team released a statement shortly after the Charger was recovered (keys still in the ignition, Spotify still queued to “Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang” on repeat): “The governor has long believed that empathy requires embodiment. Tonight he embodied the lived realities too many Californians face every day. This was not politics. This was proximity.”

When pressed on whether the action might inadvertently reinforce harmful stereotypes, a senior advisor replied, “Stereotypes are just stories we tell ourselves. Gavin is rewriting the narrative—one burst at a time.”

LAPD sources confirmed the incident is under investigation but noted several complicating factors: the governor possesses a valid concealed-carry permit, was operating within what he later described as “a spontaneous teachable moment,” and displayed “such sincere enthusiasm that malice is difficult to prove.” Bullet-riddled street signs have been cordoned off as “potential campaign memorabilia.”

At press time, Newsom was en route to a morning slot on The Breakfast Club where he plans to unpack “what the streets taught me about myself,” followed by a pop-up distribution of signed copies of his memoir Citrus-scented Reparations and branded “I’m Just Like Y’all” hoodies (available in heather gray only, sizes S–XXL while supplies last).

The Charger has been towed to the governor’s mansion garage, where it will undergo what aides call “a reflective detailing” before being auctioned for “community reinvestment.” Starting bid: $1.4 million. Reserve met instantly.

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