Hello, it’s Kagan. As an Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, I spend my days making decisions about the most important legal and ethical dilemmas facing our nation. With everything going on in America and around the world, it seemed like an important time to hop on ClickHole.com and make something absolutely crystal clear about a legal situation that has been weighing heavily on my mind, and upon which I’ve just recently reached an important decision: If you’re like 95 and you want to marry your dog, sure.

It’s fine. If you’re literally so, so old and you’re going to be dead basically tomorrow, you can just marry your dog. Once you reach that point, nothing matters. You’ll be married to that dog for what, two years, tops? It’s fine. It literally doesn’t matter.

My fellow Supreme Court justices have a wide range of views on this issue. Some of them believe that you should only be allowed to marry your dog if you’re already dead. Others think it should be mandatory to marry your dog on your fortieth birthday. As a Supreme Court judge, it’s not my job to agree or disagree with my colleagues. It’s my job to say what I think is good and then tell everyone to do it. And that’s what I’m saying to you now: If you’re on death’s door, you can marry your dog. I’m not going to be happy about it, but I’m not going to try to throw you in jail over it, either.

I’ve spent so much time thinking about the law and going to Princeton, so this is something I’m an expert at. I’ve considered it from all angles. First of all, it’s very unlikely that a 95-year-old is going to have sex with a dog, even if the dog is his wife. If a 95-year-old is able to have sex with the dog they married, it’s honestly incredible, and the Supreme Court has an obligation to allow it to happen because it’s a miracle someone so absolutely ancient is having sex with anyone or anything at all. If I saw Clarence Thomas trying to stop a very, very old lady from marrying her dog, I would tackle him. That’s just straight-up common sense and also the law of America. It’s so good to be Kagan and it’s so good to wear the robe of the court.

Think about it from a legal perspective: We let 95-year-olds fight in wars. We let them steal. We would be hypocrites if we didn’t also let them marry their dogs. Someone that old basically has time to kiss their dog three or four times and then they’re going to drop dead. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m on the Supreme Court and I’m allowed to talk that way and to say the r-word. I won’t say it here, but I could say it and I wouldn’t get in trouble.

One more thing: If you are one of those really old people who decides to marry your dog, don’t tell me about it. Tell Alito. He’ll want to hear all about it because he’s interested in romantic stuff. I find love boring and when someone tells me they’re getting married to a human or an animal I get literally so bored and I have to blow off steam by driving to John Roberts’s house and honking the horn in his driveway until he has no choice but to move to a different house. 

I hope this legal discourse taught you a little bit about the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. I love America and I love being the judge of you. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life telling you what is good and what is bad. Thank you to ClickHole.com for giving me a platform to share my views about marrying your dog, and thank you to the American people for being so free and having so much liberty.