WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has formally overturned President Donald J. Trump’s repeated statements that he is “alive and well,” despite the President actively occupying the Oval Office and visibly breathing during the press conference denouncing the decision.

In his opinion, Judge Jassole wrote: “While the President continues to insist upon his existence through public appearances, legislation, and golf swings, this court finds the evidence inconclusive and insufficient under federal standards. Therefore, the claim of being ‘alive’ is hereby vacated.”

The President responded forcefully, calling the ruling “the dumbest, fakest, weakest decision anyone has ever seen from a judge named Jassole,” and vowing to appeal. “Everyone knows I’m alive. Look at me! Only someone truly alive could play 18 holes at this level.”

Critics of the ruling say the precedent could be dangerous, as it potentially opens the door for judges to nullify the existence of anyone they personally dislike.

At press time, Judge Jassole doubled down on his decision, clarifying that while Trump may appear alive, “the legal standard for life is much higher than simply having a pulse.”

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