He couldn't have been any worse than Tim Walz, could he?

Kamala Harris wanted to pick an openly gay man as her running mate in 2024 before settling for Minnesota governor Tim Walz (D.), who is "married" to a woman and pretends to know how to hunt. In her forthcoming book about the election, Harris reveals failed presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg was her "first choice" to join the ticket. She ultimately decided it would be "too big of a risk" for a black woman to run alongside an openly gay white man.

"[Buttigieg] would have been an ideal partner—if I were a straight white man," Harris writes in the book, which comes out next week. "But we were already asking a lot of America: to accept a woman, a Black woman, a Black woman married to a Jewish man. Part of me wanted to say, Screw it, let’s just do it. But knowing what was at stake, it was too big of a risk."

Some might argue picking Walz was an even bigger risk given he was such a weirdo. His theatrics on the campaign trail caused many voters to regard his alleged heterosexuality as inauthentic. Buttigieg is also a massive weirdo who struggles with authenticity, which is why he never managed to expand his appeal beyond the niche demographic of rich white liberal nerds. But he couldn't have been any worse than Walz.

Harris and Buttigieg had a lot in common. They both flamed out in the 2020 Democratic primary after being widely celebrated for their political talent. This was primarily due to their lack of charisma and political talent. They both appear to have no core values beyond personal ambition, and they both endorsed taxpayer-funded sex-change operations for illegal immigrants in prison. Who knows? Maybe they would have made a successful team.

Because there are few literary genres we enjoy more than Democratic Party fanfiction, we decided to indulge this fantasy and imagine how things might have played out differently with a Harris-Buttigieg ticket. Enjoy!

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Kamala D. Harris, the first woman to lead a major party ticket, conceded defeat early Tuesday evening alongside her running mate, openly gay white man Pete Buttigieg. Media networks immediately called the election for her opponent, former president Donald J. Trump, as early returns forecast one of the most lopsided results since Ronald Reagan's victory over Walter Mondale in 1984. Election experts agree when all votes are counted, Trump will have won every state except Minnesota, Oregon, and Washington.

Harris did not address the supporters who gathered on the National Mall after Howard University declined the campaign's request to host the so-called victory party. Trump's victory was driven in large part by a stunning drop in turnout among black voters, traditionally one of the Democratic Party's most loyal demographics. Among the roughly 26,000 black Americans estimated to have voted for president, analysts projected just 2.3 percent of them supported the Harris-Buttigieg ticket.

The small crowd had dwindled down to a handful of mostly homeless vagrants by the time the race was called. This was largely due to a malfunctioning sound system that repeatedly blasted "High Hopes" by Panic! at the Disco for nearly an hour. At least one Harris-Buttigieg supporter expressed their disappointment after Arktisk Sirkeljuling, one of the vice presidential candidate's favorite Norwegian folk bands, was forced to cancel their set.

Democrats were disappointed, but not surprised by the results. "It should have been me," President Joseph R. Biden said when reached on his cell phone. "No one—and I mean no one—has done more for the colored community than I have. I was the first black president, I marched for civil rights, [indecipherable]. C'mon man! Ted Kennedy would never, I, and what did he mean by that? Kamala, my ass. Dumb bitch. Anyway."

It was a devastating result for Harris, who had sought to cast herself as a champion of black voters. After locking up the party's nomination in July, she had enjoyed several weeks of joyous media coverage. Journalists and celebrities alike praised her "vibes" while downplaying her extensive record of incompetence. Alas, it all started to fall apart the moment she announced Buttigieg as her running mate in early August. Most notably, reports emerged that cultural icon Queen Latifah, who never endorses but was considering throwing her support behind Harris, was planning to endorse Green Party nominee Jill Stein.

For Buttigieg, however, the evening marked an important professional milestone as the first time he has ever received a statistically significant share of the black vote in a national election. It wasn't a great night for him personally, though, as his long-suffering husband, Chasten Buttigieg, announced he was filing for divorce. "I just can't," he said in an interview with David Muir, the buffed-up beefcake who reads a teleprompter on ABC News. "I don't want to be married to a loser anymore."