Conservative Satire
Conservative Satire

Conservative Satire

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Woke Jesus Calms Climate Change

Man Upset As Someone Calls Him On Device Specifically Designed For People To Call Him On
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babylonbee.com

Man Upset As Someone Calls Him On Device Specifically Designed For People To Call Him On

TOPEKA, KS — Local man Samuel Denton was deeply upset Tuesday afternoon after his device, which is specifically designed to receive phone calls, received a phone call.

American Missionaries Dispatched To Europe To Spread The Good News About Air Conditioning
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babylonbee.com

American Missionaries Dispatched To Europe To Spread The Good News About Air Conditioning

BRANDENBURG — Missionaries from the greatest country on earth were seen going door to door throughout Europe, spreading the good news of air conditioning.

Ranch Dressing Futures Skyrocket To $120 Per Barrel
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babylonbee.com

Ranch Dressing Futures Skyrocket To $120 Per Barrel

NEW YORK, NY — Ranch dressing futures skyrocketed to an unprecedented $120 a barrel on the New York Stock Exchange, officially surpassing crude oil as the world's most valuable liquid asset.

Pope Leo will only meet with SSPX once they’re in formal schism like everyone else he meets
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genesiustimes.com

Pope Leo will only meet with SSPX once they’re in formal schism like everyone else he meets

Vatican City — Citing long-standing papal policy, Pope Leo XIV has indicated he will only meet with leaders of the Society of Saint Pius X once they have entered formal schism. According to sources within the Holy See, the Pope’s diplomatic approach is clear and consistent: dialogue is reserved exclusively for groups that have already separated themselves from full communion with Rome. “We have a very successful track record with this method,” explained a senior Vatican official. “It has worked splendidly with Protestants, the Orthodox, and numerous other separated communities. There is simply no precedent for engaging traditionalists who are still technically within the Church.” The policy, insiders say, ensures meetings remain productive by limiting them to parties who have demonstrated a willingness to act independently. A meeting with the SSPX is therefore expected shortly after their planned July 1 episcopal consecrations without papal mandate. “Only then can we extend the hand of fraternity in the spirit of true ecumenism,” the official added. “Prior to schism, there would be little to discuss. One must respect procedural boundaries.” When pressed on whether the Vatican might address the SSPX’s doctrinal concerns regarding Vatican II, the spokesman smiled faintly and replied, “That would be premature. Such matters are best taken up after the lines are clearly drawn.” The SSPX has not yet commented on the Vatican’s scheduling requirements, though one source close to the society noted dryly that at least the policy is transparent. At press time, curial staff were preparing the customary ecumenical refreshments: lukewarm tea and biscuits baked according to the reformed rite. The post Pope Leo will only meet with SSPX once they’re in formal schism like everyone else he meets appeared first on Genesius Times.