BEAVERTON, Ore. — A group of Nike executives left campus Monday for a wooded offsite, wearing coordinated yoga pants, to scream until the company’s stock explained itself. The shares closed last week near $38.40, a 12-year low and about 78 percent below their 2021 peak. Leadership said traditional tools — supply, demand, accounting — had been “in the head.” The woods, a facilitator promised, were “in the body.” “The stock could have fallen because of climate change or Trump or something related, but we definitely know that it wasn’t caused by having a bunch of retarded liberal women in leadership,” Marketing VP Anita Dick said. Participants parked at a trailhead in matching sets that retail for more than a week of the stock’s movement. Phones were placed in a basket labeled ego. The basket was watched by an aide. The aide kept her phone. The first exercise was grounding. Executives removed sneakers, which an intern collected in a bag marked product. They stood on pine needles and were told to send the quarterly miss into the soil. One asked whether the soil was a customer. The facilitator said the soil was “a witness.” Then they screamed. The initial scream, according to two people present, was polite. A second scream found the chest. A third mentioned the S&P 100. Birds left. A runner on an adjacent path thought someone had found a body and then recognized the pants. Between releases, the group journaled with prompts: Where does the multiple live in me? What would the swoosh yell if it had a throat? If the price is a feeling, who taught it that feeling? A finance lead said, quietly, that revenue had been flat and gross margin thinner for years. The circle thanked her for “bringing numbers into a number-free space” and screamed again. An afternoon module required pairing off and roaring at a partner’s forehead until an insight arrived. Insights that arrived included “we are tired,” “the forest is loud,” and “I paid for these pants.” No insight named a shoe. The retreat closed with a whisper into a cedar, which staff described as “the stock’s true stakeholder.” The cedar did not issue guidance. Shares were unchanged during the screaming, a result the facilitator called “the market regulating its nervous system.” Nike said only that leadership was “doing the work outdoors.” Analysts said the work still looked like a forest. The pants, at least, sold through. The post Woke Nike Execs Hold Screaming Session to Determine Why Their Stock is Plummeting appeared first on Genesius Times.

SACRAMENTO, CA — A local 16-year-old saw her dreams crushed Thursday after bringing her vehicle to a complete, zero-mile-per-hour stop at a stop sign, a move that instantly disqualified her from receiving her license.

U.S. — Women across America honored the passing of feminist icon Gloria Steinem by dropping their kids off at daycare and heading to work for 9 hours at jobs they all claim to hate.

U.S. — Millions of murderers across the country expressed overwhelming optimism today following reports that killing someone is effectively legal, provided the perpetrator informs authorities they were sad.