LOS ANGELES, CA — Emergency crews responded to a catastrophic incident at the famous El Capitan Theater in Hollywood last night, where an entire studio audience tragically drowned in a flood of Jimmy Kimmel's tears.

U.S. — The bitterly divided nation has finally agreed on one thing: it is just way too cold to start a civil war right now.

In the shadow of America’s cruelest policy experiment, we must confront a grim reality: the municipal and state bans on protester deportations are killing activists. Not through some abstract “tear gas trauma,” but through the predictable surge in clandestine, unregulated removals – the so-called “back-alley deportations” – performed by rogue vigilantes, off-duty cops moonlighting as minutemen, and fed-up shop owners with zip ties and rented U-Hauls. How many more must perish in the alleys of Minneapolis or the parking lots of Portland before we repeal this barbaric prohibition? Just as pre-Roe coat-hanger abortions claimed countless lives due to moralistic overreach, today’s protester deportation bans drive the righteous underground. A recent study from my own department – peer-reviewed, naturally – estimates 47,000 hazardous extractions annually, with a 12% fatality rate from concussions, vehicle pileups, and botched bike-lock tosses gone wrong. Consider Jamal “Brick-Thrower” Washington, a 28-year-old community organizer and advocate for defunding the police, who last week suffocated in a vigilante’s trunk en route to involuntary relocation. His crime? Hurling commerce-disrupting projectiles during a routine traffic blockade. Had safe, legal deportations been available at city-funded clearing clinics – complete with megaphone translators, therapy circles, and exit chants – he might be regrouping at CHAZ today. Instead, politicians like Tim Walz and Jacob Frey, in their pacifist zeal, have shuttered these essential services, forcing neighborhoods into DIY danger. The hypocrisy is staggering. Protesters clutch AR-15s over “fascist overreach” while denying locals the basic human right to a swift, sterile expulsion of rioters. If a procedure is inevitable – and let’s be real, endless grievances ensure perpetual demand – why not regulate it? Picture gleaming police kiosks with padded zip-cuffs, complimentary energy bars, and post-deportation Lyft vouchers to the precinct line. No more amateurs with bear spray in Target lots. Critics whine about “de-escalation,” but data doesn’t lie. Post-2020 riot endorsements, vigilante apps like “ClearOut” have spiked 300%, turning suburbia into a frontier of freelance enforcers. One viral fail: a Minnesota dad mistaking his neighbor’s Antifa buddy for a looter, resulting in a tragic skateboard mishap. Regulate, don’t litigate. It’s time to listen to the bodies piling up in dumpsters. Lift the protester deportation ban. Make it safe, legal, and rare – or watch the death toll climb. My next grant proposal: “Molotov Mop-Ups: Innovating Clandestine Clearing Safety.” Who’s funding? Sandra Chou holds dual PhDs in Ethnic Studies and Public Policy from Stanford. Her work has appeared in The Nation and TikTok. The post How Many Protesters Need to Die from Back-Alley Deportations Just Because Local Politicians Think the Procedure Should Be Banned? appeared first on Genesius Times.

U.S. — Amid social and political tensions reaching new highs with violent clashes between government law enforcement and protesters, the nation revealed it had started to wonder if people who spend their lives singing songs to toddlers on YouTube might not be all there mentally.

Things in America are getting pretty dicey these days. So dicey, in fact, that people in blue states are starting to wonder if it's time to evacuate to the safety of more politically conservative places. Knowing when to get out of Dodge is vital.