Local residents received yet another masterclass in tolerance last night when downtown Minneapolis was treated to its regularly scheduled refresh via open flames, courtesy of the city’s most earnestly compassionate activists. Witnesses reported the now-familiar choreography: figures in black bloc attire topped with rainbow keffiyehs methodically working their way through the remaining businesses that had not yet replaced their windows with plywood painted in the correct shade of solidarity purple. “They smashed the windows of the last surviving family-owned coffee shop while chanting ‘Defund! Reimagine! Abolish!’” said one dazed barista who had unwisely kept the espresso machine running during a moment of heightened communal healing. “Then they tagged the ruins with ‘ACAB’ in three different fonts to ensure maximum inclusivity.” A statement posted to a temporary autonomous Signal channel (quickly crossposted to public Threads for maximum reach) from the self-described “Minneapolis Autonomous Mutual Aid Network for the Permanent Dismantling of Settler-Capitalist Temporality” read: “This action was necessary to interrupt the ongoing violence of private property and white comfort. The building was already complicit in gentrification simply by continuing to exist. We have receipts (DM for the group chat link). This remains a mostly peaceful recontextualization of urban space.” Mayor Jacob Frey released a statement this morning that condemned “all forms of violence” while affirming that “the pain being expressed tonight is real and must be heard.” He concluded by reminding citizens that the city’s new “Restorative Listening Circles” budget line item had been increased by 8% in the latest emergency appropriation. The city’s experimental “Equity Heat Map” sensors—installed last summer to detect spikes in unexamined privilege—registered a 19% jump in collective moral clarity in the moments before the first Target dumpster achieved spontaneous floral-scented enlightenment. In a parallel development, a handful of middle-aged homeowners gathered near Lake Street with signs reading “I Just Wanted the Coexist Sticker to Mean Live and Let Live.” They were swiftly encircled by a larger contingent bearing professionally laminated placards declaring “Silence = Complicity,” “Words Are Violence,” and “Your Feelings Are Not More Important Than Black Lives.” The homeowners were last observed receiving an unscheduled seminar on their role in structural harm. Local merchants have begun quietly swapping out their “In This House We Believe,” “No Human Is Illegal,” and “Hate Has No Home Here” yard signs for lower-profile alternatives such as “We Support Our First Responders” and “Armed Security On Site.” One longtime Uptown bookstore owner, requesting anonymity, summed up the evolving consensus: “We’re still 100% committed to justice. We’re just trying to keep the justice from coming through the front window at 2 a.m.” As of press time, most of the fires have subsided into smoldering piles of what used to be inventory. Cleanup is tentatively scheduled for Q3, pending the formation of a 47-member community oversight committee to determine whether charred concrete should be referred to with they/them pronouns. The city’s stockpile of “This Is What Community Looks Like” banners is now officially depleted. Residents are encouraged to donate old king-size sheets and non-toxic markers. Extra credit will be awarded for slogans exceeding twenty words and containing at least one Emojis of Unity. Solidarity forever. Or until the insurance adjuster shows up. The post BREAKING: The Coexist Crowd is Destroying the City Again appeared first on Genesius Times.

With tensions continuing to mount over ICE operations in Minneapolis, the journalists at The Babylon Bee are on the ground to document the despicable actions carried out by ICE agents. Here are the seven most horrifying atrocities that we have witnessed:

MOGADISHU — Minnesotans have begun fleeing in droves to Somalia to escape the escalating threat of violence.