WASHINGTON, D.C. — Dark Anakin Skywalker has surged to the top of the Republican presidential field following the party’s disappointing performance in the 2026 midterm elections, according to a new poll showing voters increasingly interested in a candidate who promises to bring order to the galaxy by any means necessary. The former Jedi Knight, who recently rebranded himself after a brief period of soul-searching on Mustafar, reportedly captured the support of 64% of likely Republican primary voters, putting him ahead of several better-known political figures. Analysts attributed Skywalker’s sudden popularity to his unapologetic messaging, strong executive presence, and willingness to say publicly what other candidates have only hinted at privately. “I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further,” Skywalker said during a campaign appearance, drawing a standing ovation from attendees who said they were tired of Washington politicians making promises they had no intention of keeping. Skywalker has campaigned on dismantling the administrative state, eliminating the Jedi Council, securing the southern border with an impenetrable planetary shield, and bringing the entire federal government under the direct supervision of the executive branch. He has also promised to end partisan gridlock by dissolving the Senate. “People are tired of politicians who talk about draining the swamp but never actually drain it,” said one Republican strategist. “Anakin has demonstrated that he is willing to go much further than that.” The candidate has drawn some criticism over his past association with Emperor Palpatine, though campaign officials dismissed concerns about the relationship as a politically motivated distraction. “He’s made mistakes,” said campaign spokesman Grand Moff Tarkin. “But he has learned from them, and he’s ready to lead.” When asked whether Skywalker would accept the results of the 2028 election, the campaign declined to comment, noting that the question was premature and that the candidate had not yet ruled out eliminating elections altogether. Meanwhile, former President Donald Trump has reportedly expressed interest in becoming Skywalker’s running mate, although sources close to the campaign say the position may already have been promised to a clone of J.D. Vance. Skywalker is expected to formally announce his candidacy sometime next year, provided the Republican Party survives the transition. The post BREAKING: Dark Anakin Skywalker Rockets to Lead of 2028 Republican Presidential Candidates Poll appeared first on Genesius Times.

The new face of the Democrat party and the youngest person ever elected to the House of Representatives, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, is making waves before she even gets to Washington. In a press conference, the New York native has declared her intention to make the electoral college tuition free. “People shouldn’t be riddled with student debt when they’re trying to bring about a socialist revolution after school—and that shouldn’t be any different for the electoral college graduates,” Ocasio-Cortez explained. “It’s just not fair. I mean, what are there—five billion college students in the United States? They shouldn’t have to be in debt for the rest of their lives to pay for something as integral to society as a woman’s studies degree or a masters in underwater basket-weaving. The world could not survive without women or baskets.” It was unclear whether the first-term congresswoman understood that the electoral college was not in fact an actual university. “It shouldn’t matter if these students and graduates also vote for the president or whatever—they shouldn’t have billions of dollars in debt either.” When asked what credentials Ocasio-Cortez held, she explained, “I have a degree in economics so I pretty much know my stuff.” Ocasio-Cortez has made a name for herself by making bold claims like “The world is going to end in 12 years,” and “You can get 100% renewable energy by plugging an electrical extension into itself.” Originally published November 10, 2018. The post Ocasio-Cortez announces bill to make electoral college tuition-free appeared first on Genesius Times.

HELL — In a small and private ceremony, the Prince of Darkness himself ceded his title of "Eternal Supreme Lord of Evil and Darkness" to a Reddit mod named Brayden.

Turn those frowns upside down, everyone! Even though the Democrats won sweeping victories across the country in the midterms, it's not all bad news out there. Believe it or not, there might even be some good things that come out of it.