Conservative Satire
Conservative Satire

Conservative Satire

@conservativesatire

Local dad proud of the beautiful grass he grew out of a crack in the driveway
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genesiustimes.com

Local dad proud of the beautiful grass he grew out of a crack in the driveway

US—A local father announced Monday that he has finally successfully grown “really nice grass,” pointing to a three-inch clump of Bermuda that forced its way through a hairline fracture in his concrete driveway. The rest of the property remains a hard-packed expanse of dirt, gravel, and opportunistic weeds that have been described by neighbors as “a parking lot with opinions.” “That’s the good stuff,” said the homeowner, standing over the crack with his hands on his hips. “You can tell it’s healthy. Deep green. Didn’t even have to water it much. Nature wanted it there.” The yard itself contains no other turf. What vegetation exists consists of scattered dandelions, a persistent patch of nutgrass near the mailbox, and several volunteer oak seedlings that have been allowed to remain “for the shade they might one day provide.” A faded “Keep Off the Grass” sign leans against the garage, its message now directed at the driveway. City records show no lawn-care permits, irrigation plans, or soil tests associated with the address. The homeowner said he applied “a little leftover fertilizer from 2019” and “maybe some leftover lime” in the general vicinity of the crack last spring. A next-door neighbor, who asked not to be named because “he’s a nice guy,” offered a measured assessment. “He’s very proud of that little piece,” the neighbor said. “He shows it to people when they pull in. The rest of the place looks like a construction site after the crew left. But that one spot? He treats it like Augusta.” Horticulture specialists at the LSU AgCenter declined to comment on the specific property but noted that grass growing in pavement cracks is a common occurrence in Zone 9a and does not typically indicate a broader landscaping strategy. The homeowner plans to “let it fill in naturally” and has already begun referring to the crack as “the putting green.” He has not ruled out expanding the project to a second crack near the basketball hoop. When asked about the surrounding wasteland, he shrugged. “You have to start somewhere,” he said. “Most people just pour more concrete. I grew something.” The post Local dad proud of the beautiful grass he grew out of a crack in the driveway appeared first on Genesius Times.

Disciples Shocked As Apostle Paul Returns From Prison Tattooed And Totally Ripped
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babylonbee.com

Disciples Shocked As Apostle Paul Returns From Prison Tattooed And Totally Ripped

PHILIPPI — According to sources, the disciples at Lydia's house were shocked to see that Paul had returned from prison covered in tattoos and "totally ripped".

News Station Adds Chick-Fil-A Drive Thru Wait Times To Traffic Report
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babylonbee.com

News Station Adds Chick-Fil-A Drive Thru Wait Times To Traffic Report

LUBBOCK, TX — In an effort to better serve residents, one local news station added Chick-Fil-A drive-thru wait times to its morning traffic report.

Man Returns To Work From Long Weekend Refreshed And Ready To Give Mediocre Effort
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babylonbee.com

Man Returns To Work From Long Weekend Refreshed And Ready To Give Mediocre Effort

ROME, GA — After a long holiday weekend, local man Kevin Simpson returned to his office at River City Bank this morning, refreshed and ready to give a mediocre effort.

God Promises To Spare Massachusetts If State Can Find 12 Competent Jurors
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babylonbee.com

God Promises To Spare Massachusetts If State Can Find 12 Competent Jurors

BOSTON, MA — A new report revealed that God promised to spare the state of Massachusetts if legal officials there can find at least 12 competent residents to serve as jury members.