HOUSTON, TX — Representative Jasmine Crockett has officially launched her Senate bid, immediately hitting the campaign trail to "axe for votes."

New York / London / Berlin – In a bold display of cultural appreciation, thousands of newly arrived immigrants took to the streets yesterday to demand that their generous host countries immediately transform into exact replicas of the dysfunctional paradises they recently escaped. Chanting slogans such as “Make This Place Great Again – Like Back Home!” and carrying signs reading “We Fled Corruption, Now Import It!”, protesters expressed deep nostalgia for the very conditions that prompted their perilous journeys across borders, deserts, and seas. “We left because of the endless power cuts, the tribal militias shooting at each other, and the government officials who demand bribes for literally breathing,” explained protest organizer Mohammed Al-Zawahiri, who arrived from a country he declined to name “for safety reasons.” “But now that we’re here with the reliable electricity, functioning police, and boring absence of gunfire, we feel homesick. It’s only fair you change everything to match what we’re used to.” Specific demands include: Replacing functioning traffic lights with romantic rolling blackouts scheduled daily from 6 a.m. to midnight Introducing a modest 300 % annual inflation rate so money feels exciting again Installing armed checkpoints every 200 meters, staffed by teenagers in flip-flops Mandating that all public services require at least seven separate bribes and a cousin in the ministry Reinstating the traditional open sewer system, because “those shiny underground pipes lack soul” Local politicians, eager not to appear culturally insensitive, promised swift action. “I fully support the community’s right to experience the rich heritage they fled from,” said Progressive Alliance spokesperson Dr. Helena Whitmore-Smythe. “We will immediately begin consultations on how to dismantle the rule of law in a inclusive, trauma-informed manner.” When asked why the protesters simply didn’t stay in or return to their beloved homelands, one activist appeared genuinely confused. “Return? Why would we do that when we can force six million locals to subsidize our nostalgia instead?” Authorities expect the next protest to feature demands for mandatory dysentery and a return to the traditional pastime of fleeing the country. The post BREAKING: Immigrants demand their host country become more like the horrible place they fled from appeared first on Genesius Times.

December 11, 2025 — Today's Conservative Cartoon