WASHINGTON—In a marathon Senate Judiciary Committee hearing Tuesday, legendary former coach Nick Saban urged lawmakers to save the sport he loves by immediately restoring the time-honored tradition of paying players under the table. Saban, 74, who retired from the University of Alabama with multiple national championships and an encyclopedic knowledge of third-and-long defensive packages, appeared visibly irritated by the current state of affairs. “Look,” Saban told the committee, gripping the witness table with the same intensity he once reserved for special teams meetings, “we had a good thing. Kids got a little walk-around money, boosters took care of business, everybody kept their mouth shut. Now we’ve got NIL deals, agents, and kids transferring every Tuesday like it’s their damn job. This isn’t football. This is chaos.” The hearing, officially titled “Preserving the Collegiate Model in an Era of Athlete Compensation,” quickly veered into Saban explaining—at length—why the previous system of plausible deniability was superior to the current legal framework. “Back in my day, if a defensive lineman needed a new truck, we didn’t put it on a contract,” Saban said. “We had discretion. We had integrity. Now every five-star’s got an agency and a podcast. How am I—I mean, how are coaches—supposed to build a program when players are asking about ‘revenue share’ instead of ‘what time’s the bus to the grove’?” Thom Tillis asked Saban whether returning to illegal payments might conflict with federal law. Saban fixed him with the stare typically reserved for quarterbacks who audibled into the wrong protection. “Senator, with all due respect, we’ve been navigating federal law since the first booster wrote a check in 1923,” he replied. “This isn’t about breaking rules. This is about respecting them the right way—quietly.” Saban further proposed a “limited amnesty” period during which universities could retroactively classify past violations as “cultural preservation efforts.” He also recommended that the NCAA be granted limited prosecutorial immunity “so they can focus on real problems, like conference realignment.” When asked about the possibility of a legal revenue-sharing model, Saban grew dismissive. “Revenue sharing? These kids are 19 years old,” he said. “You give them real money with paperwork and suddenly they’ve got opinions. Next thing you know, they’re skipping spring practice for ‘personal brand commitments.’ God help us.” Several senators appeared sympathetic. One lawmaker, speaking anonymously, admitted that the old system at least had “the decency to pretend it wasn’t a business.” At press time, Saban was reportedly still in the hallway outside the hearing room, telling reporters that if Congress wouldn’t act, “maybe it’s time we all just agree to look the other way again, like civilized people.” The post Nick Saban urges Senate to save college football by returning to paying players under the table appeared first on Genesius Times.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — President Donald Trump proudly announced on Friday that he had repaired the crack on the Liberty Bell, outraging millions of Americans.

Oh no! A woman has accused a political candidate of vile deeds! But should you believe them?

LOS ANGELES, CA — After multiple days of late-night mail-in ballot drops finally being tallied, it was discovered that Joe Biden had won the Los Angeles mayoral race with an astonishing 81 million votes.