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'We're Doing Pirate Now': SNL's Trump Brags About Seizing Tanker, Shooting Santa
James Austin Johnson’s Donald Trump character was simultaneously drugged up on Adderall and Ambien on NBC’s Saturday Night Live when he falsely described his seizing of a sanctioned Venezuelan oil tanker as piracy and bragged about shooting down Santa Claus.
Fake Trump was aboard Air Force One taking questions from reporters when he turned to Andrew Dismukes, “Now, can a man ask me a question, please? Yes, you're kind of a man, what you got?”
The bit about desiring a question from a male reporter was SNL’s way of claiming that Trump only seems to go after female reporters because apparently Jim Acosta was not available for comment. As for Dismukes, he asked, “Okay, Mr. President, any comment on the oil tanker you seized off the coast of Venezuela on Wednesday?”
Johnson portrayed Trump as a hypocritical pirate on the matter:
Yes, we're doing pirate now, arggh! You know, it’s interesting, last week I said Somalis were garbage, and now we're stealing the ships. Ironic, isn't it? Alanis, she's great in Dogma. She's at the end, but with regard to tanker, you know, I'm captain now, remember that, Captain Phillips? ‘I'm captain,’ I love that line. You know, Captain Phillips, one of my favorite captains after Crunch…Uh-oh, methinks Ambien has pulled into the lead, but don't worry, Adderall is still in the race.
Seizing sanctioned ships is not piracy, unless you also think Russia is a victim of a piratical Germany.
Dismukes then followed up, “Right. So, you'll continue to carry out strikes on Venezuela in the Caribbean?”
After making some weird noises intended to mock the question, Johnson bragged about taking the campaign up a notch, “Yes. And you know, we're not just targeting drug boats, we're targeting suspected drug planes as well. In fact, we have some declassified video from a strike I can show you now. Do we have that clip? Where's the clip?”
The video showed Santa and his sleigh being shot down by a missile, which led another horrified reporter to ask, “Was that Santa?”
Fake Trump bragged, “Not anymore! Next question.”
Of course, Santa is a magical being, so even if someone shot him, he would survive so that he could deliver coal to SNL.
Here is a transcript for the December 13 show:
NBC Saturday Night Live
12/13/2025
11:32 PM ET
JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON/DONALD TRUMP: Now, can a man ask me a question, please? Yes, you're kind of a man, what you got?
ANDREW DISMUKES/REPORTER: Okay, Mr. President, any comment on the oil tanker you seized off the coast of Venezuela on Wednesday?
TRUMP: Yes, we're doing pirate now, arggh! You know, it’s interesting, last week I said Somalis were garbage, and now we're stealing the ships. Ironic, isn't it? Alanis, she's great in Dogma. She's at the end, but with regard to tanker, you know, I'm captain now, remember that, Captain Phillips? “I'm captain,” I love that line. You know, Captain Phillips, one of my favorite captains after Crunch, hoops, all berries.
Why do you say “hoops?” I prefer it when it's all crunch berries. Uh-oh, methinks Ambien has pulled into the lead, but don't worry, Adderall is still in the race.
DISMUKES: Right. So, you'll continue to carry out strikes on Venezuela in the Caribbean?
TRUMP: [weird noises] Yes. And you know, we're not just targeting drug boats, we're targeting suspected drug planes as well. In fact, we have some declassified video from a strike I can show you now. Do we have that clip? Where's the clip?
[video of Santa getting shot by a missile]
REPORTER: Was that Santa?
JOHNSON: Not anymore! Next question.