In a stunning display of progressive parenting and climate awareness, public schools across the northern United States shuttered their doors today due to dangerously cold weather—so students could safely enjoy the timeless winter tradition of sledding. As temperatures plunged into the bone-chilling single digits (and wind chills flirted with the kind of numbers usually reserved for cryotherapy marketing), districts from Minnesota to Maine declared snow days not out of fear for frostbite or hypothermia, but to protect young lives from the grave risks of staying indoors with central heating. Officials emphasized that bundling up in multiple layers, hurtling down icy hills at breakneck speeds, and occasionally face-planting into powdery drifts represented the only responsible response to Mother Nature’s latest tantrum. “Climate change has taught us that extreme weather is dangerous,” explained Dr. Evergreen Snowflake, spokesperson for the National Association of Overly Cautious Educators. “That’s why we’re closing schools so our children can go outside and embrace it fully. Nothing says ‘safety first’ like a good old-fashioned sled run in -15°F. Think of the vitamin D!” Across frozen playgrounds now eerily silent, the sound of distant whoops and laughter echoed as bundled-up kids torpedoed down neighborhood hills. One particularly enthusiastic group in Wisconsin reportedly achieved speeds that would make Olympic bobsledders jealous—proving once again that physics doesn’t cancel for weather. Meanwhile, in a development that surprised absolutely no one, Catholic schools remained stubbornly open. Parents attempting to keep their children home received automated calls reminding them that “inclement weather is no excuse for missing theology class.” Bea Azzelbub, longtime spokeswoman for the Archdiocese’s education office, addressed reporters outside a snow-covered parish school while steam rose dramatically from her nostrils. “Hell will freeze over before our students get a weather day,” she hissed, her eyes glinting like freshly polished brimstone. “These children will learn perseverance, even if it means conjugating Latin verbs with mittens on. Besides, we’ve got industrial-grade boilers and a long tradition of ignoring meteorological whining.” Public school parents, meanwhile, expressed gratitude for the unexpected family bonding time. “It’s wonderful,” said one relieved mother from Michigan, watching her kids build an igloo fortress in the front yard. “No homework, no Zoom glitches—just pure, unadulterated frostnip and joy.” As the polar vortex lingers and more closures loom, experts predict this could be the start of a bold new era in education: one where the greatest classroom is an icy hill, the best teacher is gravity, and the only thing truly at risk is dignity after a spectacular wipeout. Stay warm out there—or don’t. The schools have spoken: sledding is now an essential life skill. The post BREAKING: Dangerous Cold Weather Closes Schools So Kids Can Go Sledding appeared first on Genesius Times.