Everything in nature has a reason for being — except socialism. But let’s remember, not everything comes from God; the devil sometimes claims a share of authorship. God, for example, made some very tasty fruits with pits so we don’t eat too many. If you don’t believe me, try eating a kilo of cherries and write me about your experience (no details needed). God also made melons, quite indigestible, with seeds to scare off the lazy — most of us. He made the tastiest fish full of bones, so we don’t drive the species to extinction. Meanwhile, cabbage and cauliflower stink when cooked, which should have given Mom a clue when she first tried to get us to eat them as children. God made shellfish ugly, so our uric acid levels don’t spike. Luckily, He also invented wine, so we can eat all the shellfish we want without worrying about uric acid. He made lemons sour, so we don’t eat them straight, but rather with rum and Coke, as the Holy Mother Church commands. And He made pigs pink — no idea why, maybe it was a joke. He invented lightning before thunder to protect our cardiovascular health. He invented free fall, so that the idiots taking dangerous selfies have a natural predator. He put thorns on some flowers, so we don’t send hundreds of roses to every crush at once. And He made some animals very ugly, so we keep a safe distance. He gave us prominent noses, so we don’t make the foolish mistake of wearing masks when politicians tell us to. He gave us hair on our heads to serve as a natural measure of the passage of time. And He created rats, so that cats occasionally stop bothering humans. He made laughter contagious, so there are moments of relaxation at funerals. He gave us bad tempers, so we don’t reason with idiots. And He gave us two hands, so we can text on our phones while opening a beer and speeding down the highway. God made us have nightmares at night, so that waking life doesn’t seem so terrible. He made women beautiful, so men don’t spend all their money on luxury cars. And He also created salespeople, to show that it’s possible to live without friends. He made cats indifferent, so that dogs seem like our best friends. God made snakes — probably a suggestion from the devil. He created tofu to punish hipsters. And He made the stars shift at night, to make the wait more bearable for insomniacs. God made chickens hatch from eggs — and sometimes the opposite — to promote the circular economy. He gave teeth to herbivores to deceive predators. He invented sociology degrees, so people collecting unemployment benefits can at least brag about a diploma. God made literature for us to keep quiet for a while and let Him get some sleep. He gave us fire, so we smokers don’t stay constantly grumpy. He created the hole in CDs, so we can stick our fingers in them. And He made the platypus, to show that He has a sense of humor. Babies crying all night make the coffee industry, which supports millions, viable. The deafening noise of the Black & Decker ensures that afterward, even Bad Bunny sounds like music. He created Sydney Sweeney, so that I stop proposing to Maria Sharapova every single day. God made politicians charming and attractive, to prevent voter abstention — and then stupid, so we don’t trust them more than we should. He made tracksuits, so fat people think they are exercising while eating pizza and watching TV. He made gyms smell awful, so we avoid the temptation to go in and, instead, head to the bar. God created food influencers, so we understand why our grandparents taught etiquette in schools. He created endless podcasters, so we appreciate the brevity of a tweet; astrologers, to stop all liars from entering politics; and computer scientists, to deal with the overproduction of heavy metal band T-shirts no one has ever heard of. God created the last slice of sandwich bread, so we can use the expression “You’re more useless than the last slice of sandwich bread.” He made the sea, so all the creatures that He forgot to give legs can move around. He invented glasses, so even we idiots can look smart. And God made us writers and journalists alcoholics, to stop all the whiskey from being drunk by school bus drivers. READ MORE from Itxu Díaz: AOC’s Big Comedy Show in Europe It’s Time to Regenerate the Spirit My Response to WaPo’s ‘Blueberry’ Love Letter Recommendation for Valentine’s Day Erratum: In my previous article, I “literally made Hitler born” in Germany instead of Austria, and I have no qualms admitting that I am an illiterate idiot, but the truth is that this time it was due to a translation error of the expression “the cradle of.”